Damn teenage boys Xp

Aren't men such a joy...? NOT. >.<>.<

Well just felt like ranting about Sanyu and Beaver.mwhaaahahaaa.

Repeating myself

I've said this before and I'll say it again...theres a good and a bad to having friends on my blog. Good cause they can see the real me and maybe understand something...bad because I'm limited to what I may say.

I hate not being able to write exactly what I'm thinking cause I don't want my friends to see.

It's very irritating because this is how I vent...it's how I get out what I can not say to anyone else.
And now..even here where I should be able to say finally how I feel....once again I cant. It's very annoying.

I'm not mad..just I may do something so that I may write again without having to be limited to what I say. It's not personal, but Its what I may have to do.

>.<

***

Also, I wont have internet till Wednesday so, i won't be able to blog till then. Soooo until next time. =] see ya.

Sagi-shi

Palm tree's....

Never thought I'd miss them so much. Thinking of them makes me smile, and shake. They've been on my mind for awhile now..but Didnt think it'd matter, or anything would come out of thinking of the damn things. lol

I think they'd have to be my favorite tree. Lol. Maybe one day when I have my own house I'll plant one In my back yard. That would be very amusing. =]]

***

I feel such like a Sagi-shi!!!!!!!!!

I know I'm not, I haven't broken any rules, or done anything wrong and yet I feel I have. I feel kinda....warui.

>.<
It's almost like a second chance.

I like that. Though am I making the right one...

its worth it...I cant...I wont let kanojo no iku.

Normal day in the life of....hopeless fucking hope

Forgive me that its been such a long time I post. Its just cause its summer. >.<

***

It's the same as always..

Nothing ever changes here. Things seem to get better, but..they never do. There always the same old fights. The same old yelling the same old pain...and emptiness..

It eats away at this broken family...

I'm sick of hearing "I'm done." Because no one is ever really done! Not when your blood. You'll always be attached and you'll always have to deal with them...because in reality you cant just be done.

Let me tell you...How fucking sick I AM and how DONE I am.

I'm so irritated at this damn life of mine.

Why cant I ever have it "good."

I'm sick of stupid fucking people complaining over life over STUPID THINGS!!!!!!!!!!! Who actually have it good and take it for granted...!! Who have had a good life always, never had a TRULY bad thing happen to THEM.

I hate it..hate I have to hear others complain..when I cant..because mine is actually something that eats away at me each day....it makes me sick to my stomach that people have become so dense and selfish..I would love to have a good easy life.

My life from day ONE has been rocky and no smooth sailing..I just cant seem to understand or comprehend why I CANT EVER BE HAPPY......?????????????????????

When is it my time to be fine, to smile more than I ever have. To laugh and really be happy. To cry because its something joyous or amazing...not sad.......its always sad.....

***

Its amusing to me how things and even people are never truly as they seem.

We look like a happy normal family with of course some stupid drama, but nothing out of the ordinary..nothing really bad...

Or.....so you would think.

I'm not dumb and I know everyone goes through life..and something "bad happens"....but what is the definition of bad..?

There's different types of bad things and to be point blank..there's some that ARE worse than others..

I don't like to complain..but I ...just wonder and feel terrible...that I my family for some damn reason can never be happy or normal..

All I want in this life.....is a happy normal life.

I want to be HAPPY..not having to fake a smile or a laugh I want to feel what Ive never felt in my life....

Being normal...

I want me and my family to finally get what we deserve...true happiness.

why cant we have true happiness.. *crys*

wedding dress

I want that dress for my wedding or something close to it. It's sooo pretty. XD

(random)

=D

Sanyu2, bi-polar, and more surgery yaa..not

Each day grows better and better.

I like being unattached and not calling ourselves anything..but know its still there.

It's nice. There's no expectations, or limits. It's just us, and no names or brands like boyfriends and girlfriend. or couple.

I like it when it's like this. Theres no need to fear break ups because theres nothing to break off. Everything is free to be itself. whatever it maybe.

And I love that. Love talking with him.

***

Friday is my examination thing. There going to make sure they have th right diagnose's on me. They said it was major depression and now they're checking for bi-polar too...This will be the second time for this test, except Im older (still not old enough) and its with a new person giving me the test some where else. >.<

Kinda scary..my last dude freaked me out man. He was....idk..a creeper...>.<

Anyway so thats friday, NEXT.....lol

***

Tuesday, is my oral surgery.

You know im sick of surgery. THIS is the SECOND damn time they'll be putting me under in a year. >.<

Anyway, It's for my wisdom teeth. There not hurting me or anything...but were just gonna get em out in case. Lol. =]]

Soooo fun fun right..? Yep...

I'll be put on recovery for 2 weeks. whoohooo. =D

ICE CREAM HERE I COME. XDD

You should be jealous.......okay maybe not. lol

ZACK =]

I LOVE YOU ZACKIE-CHAN. YOUR MY BOY. XDD

I hope this cheers you up.

Okkkaay.

Your the bestest guy friend EVER.

You have SEX hair..

Hmm

You like anime which is the SHIT. XD

ummm

Your growing more mature each day.

Your taller than me sooo thats pimp.

=D

You have a COOL house.

ANDDDD

are ahhh-mazzing.

XD

hehe

BE HAPPY. RAWR

Sanyu

I think I really do love Sanyu. His name says it all. Happiness. Thats exactly what he brings.

I adore him, and grow to respect him more and more. ^^

Watashi wa anata to kekkon shi tai....one day.

^^

ABBI GOOOO

GET OFF MY PAGE ABBI. YOU DILDO SUCKER. XD

Dad....

Ever since the fight....I've been ignoring my Dad.

My dad is the world to me...His thoughts are all I care to hear. And these last few months my dad has been telling me how much he loves me. And how I'm the best daughter. How I'm the only one who TRULY cares.
He even called me the day before the fight and confided in me about his problems and told me I was the one he could turn to.

I love him soo much. I tell him everything. Maybe not details of everything but I tell him the idea of it. Explain. Im...idk....doing stuff with boys. Id say dad I did some stuff with boys...and I wont do it again. Of which I haven't. He'd say okay hope. I love you.

See...when the fight really went bad..when things really got worse was when my sister told me exactly how my father felt about me and he told her this the day he called me and told me about his problems.
I lost it when she said he thought I was fake with him and to others. If anything I'm so real with others that that's why people dislike me cause I'll tell them like it is. If the sun is really fucking pink ill tell you its FUCKING PINK BITCH.

I just.....cant believe my dad...would think of me like that...after all the stuff hes said to me...and how he acts. it hurts so bad.

That's why I haven't called or gone over there yet...because I'm afraid its true...and if it is I don't know what I'll say or do....
I want it to be a lie. But I have a terrible feeling....its not.

and this makes me truly sad...and cry.

I thought i was better than that to him.. and he was better than that to me............

Counseling

Counseling was very interesting..

We talked about my mother and my sister and the huge fight that toke place. (Which was yesterday.)

People you may need to know is:
Katie-my sister- age 18-hoe lol
Hope-me XD- age 16- booom bitch lol
Kendra-my friend-age 15
Abbi- my friend-age 14 turning 15
Bobby-younger brother-age 13
(need to know infor-Bobby and Abbi like each other and want to date but aren't going out yet.)

this is how it went. -please know theres alot of mean things said and alot of hurtful words...but know EVERYTHING I said was the HONEST to god truth..and as some say truth hurts...-

me and my two friends are in my room talking. Katie walks in..

Katie- mom is sooo mad at you. Just wait till she comes in here. Shes going to give you an ear full.
Hope- why is she mad at me...? I've done nothing wrong. *confused look on my face*
Katie- Ohhh you'll find out, don't worry. She'll be in here soon. She was so mad, she was talking major shit on you in the car.
Hope- What the hell, Ive done nothing wrong, and why are you in here telling me what shes going to do. Get in your own business.
Katie- This is my business and I'm apart of this.
Hope- uhmm No your not. Leave me alone.
Katie- Hope, I walked in and freakin bobby was laying right next to Abbi. Your the older sister, you should of told him to go.
Hope- I fell asleep before him and its not like they where fucking. It was FINE. *Getting irritated*
Katie- It was NOT fine hope. And don't fucking lie. You where not asleep, you stay up later than bobby and Abbi put together.
Kendra- that's not true. Hope did go to bed before us. And Abbi was asleep before bobby even sat by her. Its not hope's fault if your brother fell asleep by her.
Katie- That's a lie from hell. I don't believe you. And hope SHOULD of told him to go.
Hope- Believe what the fuck you want to. I don't care. I know what happened you don't.
Katie- I will thank you very much.
Hope- What the fuck ever just leave I don't want to see your face.
Katie- no, ill stay if I want.
Hope- You know...you are 18 why the FUCK don't you leave now. Ive been waiting and I can stand to see your stupid face. Here, ill even be nice and help pack.
Katie- You'd like that wouldn't you...? *smug look on her face*
Hope- Hell ya. I'm done with you.
Katie- I'm done with you. Your always a bitch to everyone, and no body wants you in this house anyway. Your selfish and all you think about is yourself. Even dad thinks so.
Hope- ...what...*eyes widen* *heart stops*
Katie- Ohh what he didn't tell you..? He thinks your a FAKE and that your never honest with him. And that your that way with everyone...You didn't know that..?
Hope- *silence* *tears trying to come out*
Katie- Figures....
Hope- I....hate YOU. *tears stream down my face* I cant stand you and I wish you would just leave. You think your all that but your not. and you cry and bitch because you no longer have friends its cause of the way you TREATED them and you ditched them for your boy friend shelby.
Katie- No, I left my friends because they where all dumb. You don't know. And its so nice to hear that you really want me to go.
Hope- Whatever. You keep acting the way you do with everyone, especially shelby....He WILL leave you. And I would too.
Katie- I love him and he loves me. He would NEVER do that.
Hope- keep it up, I promise YOU he will leave. He wont put up with your bullshit much longer.
Katie- whatever you don't know. *Shes crying to now.*
Hope- Sure I don't, that's why he didn't just come to me the other day upset over your crap. And you know whats even sader...? My friends see it too. They use to loooove you.....Now they hate you too.
Katie- Your fucking friends need to shut the fuck up, there immature and stupid anyway.
Kendra- Ohhhh That's really nice and great. *pissed off look*
Abbi- *silence* (Lol, she doesn't talk at all through this all. I think she was terrified. I would of been too. It seem as though we where really going to kill one another.)
Hope- Shut up dumbass.
Our mother walks in. What is going on.....? *trying to act calm in front of my friends*
Katie- hope says she hates me and that she only loves dad.
Hope- She came in here saying that you where sooo pissed off at me and just let me know exactly how shitty of a daughter I was, and how my dad really thought of me.
Mom- Okay where not going to do this right now. Katie go in the other room now.
Katie- are you going to just let her get away with it...?
Mom- go now.
Katie- Gets the lab top and slams the door.
Mom- uhmm....girls when are your parents coming....?

***

I think I may have given my poor counselor a panic attack. Lol

Sooo...that's just the idea of what went down. It was much worse...much louder..and more hurtful words..that I didn't and couldn't remember to include. Not everything was dead on what was said but I hit all the main things. It was very long.....

Then after my friends left there was a family meeting that lasted two hours long.

There was alot of crying and shit...we worked things out but...I felt the same feeling I always feel when a fight like that has happened....dead and done.

I am done.

hurting inside

I'm with my two best friends....and yet



I still feel depressed.



Its cruel..and unfair...I should be happy



and yet I feel so fucking down and sad. >.<



I..



I kinda want to cry..



My heart aches.. and I feel so dumb and pathetic...



Why..



why



must



I



Feel



This



Way..

Sohoko

Some times I wonder if I grow more Sohoko each day... >.<

The yearning can get very unbearable and make me question things of which I'm not willing to answer, or at least not with friends knowing... =[

I love them on here but the people who actually know me..yaaa I prefer them not know everything. That's one bad thing about my blog. I added some of my friends and now I'm limited to what I may say...which I'm not going to lie is hard and irritating. Its like a love, hate relationship.

Anyway....

Sohoko...it kinda describes alot for me. Being in the middle...(I am the middle child, and lets face it..we middle people bare it ALL. Out of all the kids we care the MOST, out of all the kids we hurt the most, and out of all the kids we forgive easier. Where usually more emotional too. XD )
I'm always in the MIDDLE of the fight never the one having the fight (cause remember I don't like conflict ...and I'm just nice. =P ) I don't like being in the front of the class or really the back..but the middle is usually good. >.< When I draw i always start in the MIDDLE of the page...

don't you see...this middle has a real hold on me and is proving my life to live up to it's standards. >.<

I can't describe it much more than giving it away that it is the MIDDLE....if you get if...if you can see there's a secret message in here. Not in different colors like I normally do..but deep beneath the words...think what they mean...and you'll find the answer Ive been trying to forget....

HOLY SHIT

---

Tired

You are a tired soul. Perhaps you're just tired from being so busy all the time, working hard. Maybe it's school, or supporting a family. Maybe you take too much on your shoulders, the whole weight of the world... Whatever the reason, you just crave some relaxation. At the moment, you could care less about whats going on right now. Well, maybe you care, but you're just getting tired of caring. You are just plain tired of having a bunch of junk dumped on your life and you feel like you deserve a break. And if you've been working hard, then heck yes. Take a break before you really begin to go numb and forget to care.

OMG THIS IS SOOO ACCURATE. DID I NOT JUST POST SOMETHING SAYING IM DONE CARING. WOW. Thats soooo freakin kewl.

explains me.

---

Golden Candle

You are a rare creature. You are lovely in the inside, though you think you are weird. You keep to yourself privately, although everyone else thinks you shine. They look to you for comfort, and you never speak out of turn. You are the ultimate regality that everyone longs to be, but to you, it comes naturally. People think you are always bright, but there's a side to you tha tno one knows...you don't know how to express it, therefore, you take on art. You are exceptional at writig or painting or something creative. You might not be a professional at it, but you are not average. You are loved by almost everyone, you have good relationships, but if that relationship ends, you are not the type to get along like good friends again. Sometimes, you are also like the moon...always there in the night sky, carefully watching, cautiously guiding, loved, expected, and special.

skip or

wow...so amazing.