Kissing you

I feel so dead.

I just want to fucking CRY my stupid eyes out.

I want to know everything is okay,

I wanna know I'll see his face again.

I wanna know I'll hear his dumb voice when he's mad.

I wanna know I'll see him smiling when I say something dumb or wrong.

I wanna know I'll hear him laugh because he's a dork.

I wanna know that he'll never forget me....

and that I can feel the way I do when I'm with him isn't just made up..but real...guess I'll never find out...

how can this be.

I waited for so long. I've wanted to tell him how I feel and now he'll never know..and I'll be dieing here thinking of someone who probably doesn't care...

This hurts so bad. It's not even my fucking fault and yet I cant help but feel responsible for it all...I just want to drown myself in stupid depression..I want to soak it up as though It's candy on Halloween.

*tears falling down*

Never thought crying was so easy..and welcoming.

***

I miss him so much.

I miss talking

I miss hugging

I miss holding him and him holding me

I miss stealing his favorite spray and him getting mad and running after me

I miss sitting with him on the coach cuddling

I miss walking to his house

I miss seeing his smile

I miss walking by his side

I miss cooking with him

I miss the fact that I miss things we haven't done in a year.

and I miss the look in his eyes when he sees me.

***

Well...here it goes....

JOE......I.........Love.........You... T.T

goodbye.

Just had 1 of those fights that leave you dead...and hurting. Once again..
im provin to be the demon child. T.T
gtg, im on my phone. Night...

Blogger peeps read

Hello everyone. ^^

so this is just a quick post, and its about another good blog I follow.

-The blog gay ol' day is posting gay anime pics. SOOOO you should go and support him, and look at em cause there amazing-plz comment on them too, to show love and support.

Thank you all. XP

-OH and a shout out to my BOY at Dehumanizing the boy. HES AMAZING!!! He's also leaving for the summer so go show him some love before he goes. =DD

Hmm im blogging from my fone which is really kewl. So idk if this worked..we'll see i guess. Lol.

FACTS =D

So I had just gotten irritated with my mom and I was walking back into my room when I passed her room and it was staring at me.


I stopped in my tracks and toke a few steps back. It was calling to me, and I was going to anwser it's call.

Can you guess what it was...? Yes it was a treadmill. XD LOL>.<

I got on it and started off slow..then alittle faster..and faster and soon I was running. Working out all my stresses of family friends and most of all depression.

I stopped after 15 minutes went by. I was sweating of which I never do, and I was completley out of breath. I dropped to the floor and laid my head on the air vent and felt the cold air hit my face.
While I sat there I starting thinking about facts...

O.o Yes..facts.

this is what was going through my mind:

Sex takes away depression. I need to get laid....

Working out takes away depression. Im going to use the treadmill as though it was a dildo on a friday night.

Meditating takes away depression. All hail buda, and streching. XD

Counseling takes away depression. Hello counselor, Im your worst nightmare. Nice to meet you. >.< ^^

So pretty werid and fucked up..yes I know. Anyway, the point was all of those things really do help with depression. Though theres only a few Im willing to do. And I realized at that moment what a rush it was...so Im going to start working my ass off, and sweating off depression.

WHOOHOOO. How you like me now depression...??? XD

The red x is there any time....>.<>

Sleep

All I wanna do is sleep.

Sleep the days away.

Sleep my life away.

They say sleeping all the time is just a sign of depression..

Isnt that just dandy...? >.<

My eyes feel like there BEGGING me to close them. My body feels slupped over and dead...

..............................................*eyes close*................

good night..>.<

Future

Have you ever wondered what your future would turn out to be..How it was going to look like..and how everything changed....

I'm sure you have, lately thats all I seem to think about. The future..

I think I can finally move out.

I can get a car.

Go to collage.

Live with my dad.

and then I think...what if none of that ever happens..

then what, my future seems so bland and uncertain of which it is..but I just keep thinking something isnt right...

At one point or another you should have a period of time where everything is good. Everything is going great...(then it goes to hell. Lol)
But I havent had that yet...Ive been going through a huge and long peroid of pain and depression...and not once has it stoped...have i been able to just be happy and enjoy myself....

Thats not right..something is wrong or missing and I dont know what.. >.<

its frustrating because..I just want to be happy for a change, everybody I know has had a time to be happy, even if it was for a month or a year...I mean Ive been through so much hell my whole life..you'd think that for once...Id get a break...just to be NORMAL. to be happy...

is that to much to ask for.....

life..and all its glory

Getting depressed over nothing like normal...guess thats how it goes when you have depression..right..??

You know what I wonder....?

Is if I'll always be depressed...always be on medicine..

Is that my future...is that what I will look forward for...>.<

and is that what I'll pass to my kids....

.........*silence*

What a life right..

***

The energy is SO dead...like...you see I feed off of peoples energy. if there happy I'm happy if there sad I'm sad. Its just how it goes...and right now..there's no energy at all...which makes it right away negative....its hard to explain..but people or friends help me with my depression.

Of course they don't know that but, anyway...when they do something or say something to upset me it hurts alot...cause I take it all in and all the shitty energy that goes with it..

the energy at home sucks..my mom is talking to her fucking ass whole of a ex. and she bitches and complains he's such a jerk and I'm so done with him, then she stays and talks to him. I don't fucking get her.

My sister is just gah, fucking bitch. She's always yelling and judging me forever thing...why cant she just wake up and see the fucking dirt in her life.

my friends, I don't know anymore. I don't know who really are my true friends and who just are using me for what ever reason...

Explaining-for tyler

Okay this blog is explaing triangle. I'm writing this mainly for Tyler to explain and show him the situation and maybe even get some advice. (I'm changing the names of people in here because I have some of my friends on this blog and I dont want to give anything away and I dont want questions asked about who they are)>.<

As you said before, love hurts..it hurts alot..Its the main reason I completely ignore it. I can do with out it..now Im not saying I dont feel the need or wanting...Ya I do and it hurts but Its better than other pain and other drama.

We'll call the main guy Joe. I've known Joe for a long time, and known his family for a long time as well. Our friendship is werid because it's off and on. One moment we havent talked in a year and the next we talk everyday and do stuff everyday. Thats just how it is...and Ive come to terms with that.
Anyway...I like him..I like him alot and I have for 3 years now..but see we've always been friends and strictly friends...we hugged alot, baked together, held hands, laid by each other, lay on top of each other(nothing bad was going on..Lol), fell asleep in the same bed...I mean we pretty damn close. XD

And it seems each year the wanting grows more..and hurts more too. Hell you could practly say Im in love with the boy..but its werid because..I dont want to be with him...Now you must be like..wtf..Ya..Thats what Im thinking...
You see I really do love him. I know everything about him and he knows all about me. Ive seen him in his most vunerable times and he's seen mine...but because we've been through so much and friends for so long we both came to terms that we where scared to ever date because we didnt want our friendship to end...

And I agree with that but..I wanna be close with him..and do things that "friends" dont do, like kiss, and hug like you mean it...and shit like that...but he just went back with his ex...the one he said he would never date again...(how surprising...Lol)and Im scared because I dont know if he feels the same...
The funny thing is I wouldnt ask anything of him...not to be called boy friend and girl friend...or even be together all the time....no..I just want to be able to do things that couples do and not having him or me being or wanting anyone else....

Is that asking alot..or to much..?

I dont know..I ask myself this...and the wanting is worse now because he was technically my first kiss. Now see what happened was we where screwing around fighting over a blanket then he was like come over here if you want it, and I did. I leaned in and then he kissed me and then we did it like 3 more times..just little pecks on the lisps..and then he said something that tore me apart..

"I hope you know that meant nothing...I mean it wasn't meant like that..cause I know you've never kissed anyone at all.." I couldnt believe he said that..My heart stopped and I smiled at him and said "of course not..it meant nothing."
Oh what a lie that was...>.<

That happened like a year or two ago..and things where a lot different then..we where closer...now things are more about physical stuff..and sexual stuff...and it hurts because I have done certain things with him and I did it liking him which made it something special to me..when it wasn't for him....
So...I guess I do it to myself right..I'm dumb and put myself up for heartache...I don't know..

You know what I don't get is....

If we are such good friends wouldn't that make it easier if we did break up cause then we could just be like, you know it didn't work and at least we tried and never wondered what if in the future.........

I really dont want it to stay the same..in fact I want it to be the way it use to be....but that IS asking to much...and thats what sucks..

should I give up on him....theres more...and if you want to know more about Joe..I can post a blog just about him. >.< Let me know.....

welcome to the world of Hope....where theres constant pain, drama, and dont forget LOVE ISSUES. XD

QUOTES

so I didnt have enough time to write anything today so I put up some quotes that caught my eye and I thought you may like.

enjoy

Triangle-MY LUCK?!

I've never been more scared and relieved in my life.

I thought that one of my best friends had sex with another one of my friends...Now this doesn't seem bad right..? WRONG>.<

See..this person is the person I really care for..and even sorda like..Now, though I like them I wouldnt do anything about it cause, relationships are just not for me right now. Anyway...I still get jealous and all...and it hurts like a bitch to be around him..but it hurts worse when I'm not....Its terrible.

I lost it when I heard that they had sex....Like my heart sank to the floor. I thought it would fall out if I didn't hold my chest together.

I never pictured he'd let something like that happen so fast...and I was trying sooo hard not to be upset all fucking day but I was dieing...today in my second to last hour class charis(my best friend) told me she talk to the girl who is her best friend, and found out it was all a misunderstanding..they where screwing around..but they werent and did NOT have sex.

I was soo happy when she told me, apart of me is still sad though that he did shit with her..but it's better than having sex..

Or at least..for the sake of my sanitty it is.

this all just really sucks monkey balls.

and its way to late to change anything now...you know that saying your just in to deep...yeah..thats me..and you know what they say after that...

your fucked......

>.<

Daily confusion

I'm so confused..

Everything doesn't make sense. There's so many point of views and looks at things. And none of them are wrong nor right...

My heart...is constantly hurting..it's like never ending pain.

Everyone has changed so much...including me. But...I don't like some of the changes...and some of the changes...only hurt..but for other people it makes them happy...but like I said..it will ALWAYs...make me hurt...

In some ways I wish I could just start over...find knew friend..new crush..and even a knew family..
But that just comes with a whole new drama I'm unfamiliar with.

I just feel like Im slowly breaking and everyone and everything is just trying to break me further into a world of constant suffering....

Gah..

I'll explain more tomorrow...no time.

T.T

Boys and their Toys

I am one of Hope's best friends. I am kind of new at this blogging thing, and I just wanted to try it out.
Whoever invented the airsoft gun...I hate you.
I got shot in the boob yesterday by one of those damn things and it hurt like a son of a bitch. It left a bruise. I noticed when I woke up this morning.
Hope's brother got it for his birthday a few days ago. And he's not even the one that shot me it was Hope's lover boy (sex toy). He's so emotional and dramatic it's not even funny. I've never met such a girl in my life. I pinched him and he screamed.
I do support her in her choice though. We're friends and that's what friends are for right??????? I suppose. Haha,.

GUNS=PAIN IN THE ASS

Who ever created that damn airsoft gun I wanna fucking kill.

My damn brother got one for his 13th birthday, and he's a fucking maniac with it.

He's always pointing it right at me, even when its loaded. I swear to god Im going to break his kneck if he does it again.

Now your probably wondering why is this so bad...? He hasnt shoot you yet.

WRONG.

The bitch got me right in the arm. And He sure did get an ear full of FUCK YOUUUUU!!!!

SO, anyway tonight I'm going to hide the damn thing. And hopefully he'll never find it
.<