Happy holidays

I can't believe how damn fast this year is going by...Christmas is already here and this week is my last week of school for two weeks. *Screams* PARTY. XD





Not really...it's gonna be a long break though...my mom is getting a hysterectomy tomorrow..and I love my mom but she's very dramatic and I'm preparing myself for these next few weeks....I know she's gonna be all crazy but in the end she's going to be very happy she got it done.





She has to drink that shit I had too when I went into surgery...haha..that sucks for her!! Now she can feel my pain...man...that crap was the worst thing ever! I can put up with the damn surgery any day but that shit I had to drink...no way I rather die. =D It's absolutely terrible.





I'm suppose to spend this weekend with Abbi which is coool. ^^ I'm excited!! She walked in this morning with a box full of damn presents...aha..I could of mistakin her for Santa clause the way she had so many gifts. =] She's too nice.....which makes me think...how the hell am I going to top anything she gets me...? I don't know what the fuck to do for her..........any ideas..?





SO finals start tomorrow and end friday...which just is dandy! I hate tests....I get panicked then I forget everything cause I freak out....I'm not good with tests even though I know the shit....>.<





I put on yellow and green eye shadow today and I got lots of complements. A lot of people liked it...it makes me smile. Haha..My friend said it reminded her of spirit. XD I thought that was amusing.

(That is not my eye btw. I have eyebrows unlike this brood. XD aha)

Well....not sure what else to say.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas, and get everything and more!!!=D

Heey

It's funny looking back on old things..or the past in general. How at the time.....nothing was changing, and yet you look back now and everything is different. Ironic right....? I know. Xp

I don't use this blog. I did what I finally wanted and I made a new one. If you want it, leave me a comment, I may not give it to you I may. Either way don't take it wrong if I don't. ^^

School is going pretty damn good.

Life is...well perfect. It seems like everything has come into perspective. I'm so happy and content with my life..with who I am.

I'm not sure if and when I'll get on this again, so until then See ya. =)

making life my bitch

Ever feel like your on a certain path and everything will be going great and then suddenly something changes........ or maybe its you that changes, either way you no longer feel the same you did and soon your path is changed yet again?!

Ever wanted to just SCREAM exactly what your feeling out and just let all your most inner demons and fears go out your mouth and away from your mind..?

Ever go back to old habits and wonder deeply if you should start again, or leave the past in the past..?

Well, I'm always on the same path it's just I tend to drift. I get preoccupied by other things or even distracted.
The point is...I kinda drifted far far away from my path, and well...am just now getting back on track.

Ive let some of my inner demons out and shared my fears..my reality. But it's not enough. It never goes away. And you certainly never forget. It's like a terrible reminder of how you fucked up and how you can never change it.
The worst part is you can never truly let it all out...especially to the one you want to. Because doing that..
is just creating another demon.another fear. another reality.

Ahhh, as they say old habits never die. There like crap inside of you. Its always building up and causing you distress. Finally you let it all out, but sooner or later, your gonna have to deal with that shit again.
Habits, they just love to come back and taunt the hell outta of ya. And most of the time.you.fall.right.into.it.again. God, where all just gelatin's for punishment aren't we..?
I shouldn't be to negative eh, well some do die.

But don't worry another will start, and your right back to the next pain in the ass.
My habits...oh there just. FUN.
I'll do pretty good for awhile, for a long while. But then I get caught off guard fall slowly then soon I'm eating dirt from the ground. Yum.
Well, I can say for now....I think Ive concurred that pain in the ass. But I have a feeling another may start.

Bring it on. *smirk*

As they do say, when life gives you lemons. You make some sour lemonade, and poor that shit in life's face until it feels the burn!!!!

whoooohoooo.

Hope is back, and feeling the burn.XD

until next time, FUCKING MAKE LIFE YOUR BITCH. =D *winks*

noo, but really.

COCK

OOOO kay so in a much better mood. My two buddies cheered me up and showed me the light. XD lol.

Thank you from the blog twisted faith and thank you Max. XD

This is something funny max my gay friend had said to me. =D

I had cock twice in a sentence so he was like I wonder If I could make a sentence all about cock. Sooooo here it is......



Once upon a cock, there was a cock who was cocky, and he was very cock-nosed about his cock garden. So he cockgobbled everyone and they died. The end.

Beautiful isnt it..? Lol. I know right. Ahhhh-mazing.

I hate this

I hate this!!!

Its the one stupid thing I'm good at..and I cant fucking do it.

I CANT DRAW LIKE EVERYONE THINKS I CAN. IM NOT A FREAKIN GOD LIKE THEY SEEM TO THINK I AM. AND I CANT DRAW EVER FUCKING THING THEY WANT. T.T

Trying to draw stuff that I know is out of my league is depressing and hurtful.. like a slap to the face,....a fucking reminder that you fucking suck and can only do so much..

I draw to help ease my mind, to make others smile, and to feel accomplished and worthy of something.....

And when I cant do that..it fucking hurts deep. Like a dagger to the back...and you just keep getting stabbed. >.<>.<

So dont ask of me to do it....cause now look...Ive dissapointed my uncle and grandparents and people I dont even fucking know!!!!!!!

And most of all..............

I dissapointed myself.

I really thought maybe I could...and I couldn't and they still ask of me to try again.

I don't want to try again....what is this a sick fucking joke, hope you've failed and we want you to try again to watch you fail FOR A FUCKING THIRD TIME.

O.O
SO MUCH FOR THIRDS A FUCKING CHARM.

T.T

I feel so depressed...I'm so mad I'm freakin crying!! GAH!!! X[

I hate this...

Damn teenage boys Xp

Aren't men such a joy...? NOT. >.<>.<

Well just felt like ranting about Sanyu and Beaver.mwhaaahahaaa.

Repeating myself

I've said this before and I'll say it again...theres a good and a bad to having friends on my blog. Good cause they can see the real me and maybe understand something...bad because I'm limited to what I may say.

I hate not being able to write exactly what I'm thinking cause I don't want my friends to see.

It's very irritating because this is how I vent...it's how I get out what I can not say to anyone else.
And now..even here where I should be able to say finally how I feel....once again I cant. It's very annoying.

I'm not mad..just I may do something so that I may write again without having to be limited to what I say. It's not personal, but Its what I may have to do.

>.<

***

Also, I wont have internet till Wednesday so, i won't be able to blog till then. Soooo until next time. =] see ya.

Sagi-shi

Palm tree's....

Never thought I'd miss them so much. Thinking of them makes me smile, and shake. They've been on my mind for awhile now..but Didnt think it'd matter, or anything would come out of thinking of the damn things. lol

I think they'd have to be my favorite tree. Lol. Maybe one day when I have my own house I'll plant one In my back yard. That would be very amusing. =]]

***

I feel such like a Sagi-shi!!!!!!!!!

I know I'm not, I haven't broken any rules, or done anything wrong and yet I feel I have. I feel kinda....warui.

>.<
It's almost like a second chance.

I like that. Though am I making the right one...

its worth it...I cant...I wont let kanojo no iku.

Normal day in the life of....hopeless fucking hope

Forgive me that its been such a long time I post. Its just cause its summer. >.<

***

It's the same as always..

Nothing ever changes here. Things seem to get better, but..they never do. There always the same old fights. The same old yelling the same old pain...and emptiness..

It eats away at this broken family...

I'm sick of hearing "I'm done." Because no one is ever really done! Not when your blood. You'll always be attached and you'll always have to deal with them...because in reality you cant just be done.

Let me tell you...How fucking sick I AM and how DONE I am.

I'm so irritated at this damn life of mine.

Why cant I ever have it "good."

I'm sick of stupid fucking people complaining over life over STUPID THINGS!!!!!!!!!!! Who actually have it good and take it for granted...!! Who have had a good life always, never had a TRULY bad thing happen to THEM.

I hate it..hate I have to hear others complain..when I cant..because mine is actually something that eats away at me each day....it makes me sick to my stomach that people have become so dense and selfish..I would love to have a good easy life.

My life from day ONE has been rocky and no smooth sailing..I just cant seem to understand or comprehend why I CANT EVER BE HAPPY......?????????????????????

When is it my time to be fine, to smile more than I ever have. To laugh and really be happy. To cry because its something joyous or amazing...not sad.......its always sad.....

***

Its amusing to me how things and even people are never truly as they seem.

We look like a happy normal family with of course some stupid drama, but nothing out of the ordinary..nothing really bad...

Or.....so you would think.

I'm not dumb and I know everyone goes through life..and something "bad happens"....but what is the definition of bad..?

There's different types of bad things and to be point blank..there's some that ARE worse than others..

I don't like to complain..but I ...just wonder and feel terrible...that I my family for some damn reason can never be happy or normal..

All I want in this life.....is a happy normal life.

I want to be HAPPY..not having to fake a smile or a laugh I want to feel what Ive never felt in my life....

Being normal...

I want me and my family to finally get what we deserve...true happiness.

why cant we have true happiness.. *crys*

wedding dress

I want that dress for my wedding or something close to it. It's sooo pretty. XD

(random)

=D

Sanyu2, bi-polar, and more surgery yaa..not

Each day grows better and better.

I like being unattached and not calling ourselves anything..but know its still there.

It's nice. There's no expectations, or limits. It's just us, and no names or brands like boyfriends and girlfriend. or couple.

I like it when it's like this. Theres no need to fear break ups because theres nothing to break off. Everything is free to be itself. whatever it maybe.

And I love that. Love talking with him.

***

Friday is my examination thing. There going to make sure they have th right diagnose's on me. They said it was major depression and now they're checking for bi-polar too...This will be the second time for this test, except Im older (still not old enough) and its with a new person giving me the test some where else. >.<

Kinda scary..my last dude freaked me out man. He was....idk..a creeper...>.<

Anyway so thats friday, NEXT.....lol

***

Tuesday, is my oral surgery.

You know im sick of surgery. THIS is the SECOND damn time they'll be putting me under in a year. >.<

Anyway, It's for my wisdom teeth. There not hurting me or anything...but were just gonna get em out in case. Lol. =]]

Soooo fun fun right..? Yep...

I'll be put on recovery for 2 weeks. whoohooo. =D

ICE CREAM HERE I COME. XDD

You should be jealous.......okay maybe not. lol

ZACK =]

I LOVE YOU ZACKIE-CHAN. YOUR MY BOY. XDD

I hope this cheers you up.

Okkkaay.

Your the bestest guy friend EVER.

You have SEX hair..

Hmm

You like anime which is the SHIT. XD

ummm

Your growing more mature each day.

Your taller than me sooo thats pimp.

=D

You have a COOL house.

ANDDDD

are ahhh-mazzing.

XD

hehe

BE HAPPY. RAWR

Sanyu

I think I really do love Sanyu. His name says it all. Happiness. Thats exactly what he brings.

I adore him, and grow to respect him more and more. ^^

Watashi wa anata to kekkon shi tai....one day.

^^

ABBI GOOOO

GET OFF MY PAGE ABBI. YOU DILDO SUCKER. XD

Dad....

Ever since the fight....I've been ignoring my Dad.

My dad is the world to me...His thoughts are all I care to hear. And these last few months my dad has been telling me how much he loves me. And how I'm the best daughter. How I'm the only one who TRULY cares.
He even called me the day before the fight and confided in me about his problems and told me I was the one he could turn to.

I love him soo much. I tell him everything. Maybe not details of everything but I tell him the idea of it. Explain. Im...idk....doing stuff with boys. Id say dad I did some stuff with boys...and I wont do it again. Of which I haven't. He'd say okay hope. I love you.

See...when the fight really went bad..when things really got worse was when my sister told me exactly how my father felt about me and he told her this the day he called me and told me about his problems.
I lost it when she said he thought I was fake with him and to others. If anything I'm so real with others that that's why people dislike me cause I'll tell them like it is. If the sun is really fucking pink ill tell you its FUCKING PINK BITCH.

I just.....cant believe my dad...would think of me like that...after all the stuff hes said to me...and how he acts. it hurts so bad.

That's why I haven't called or gone over there yet...because I'm afraid its true...and if it is I don't know what I'll say or do....
I want it to be a lie. But I have a terrible feeling....its not.

and this makes me truly sad...and cry.

I thought i was better than that to him.. and he was better than that to me............

Counseling

Counseling was very interesting..

We talked about my mother and my sister and the huge fight that toke place. (Which was yesterday.)

People you may need to know is:
Katie-my sister- age 18-hoe lol
Hope-me XD- age 16- booom bitch lol
Kendra-my friend-age 15
Abbi- my friend-age 14 turning 15
Bobby-younger brother-age 13
(need to know infor-Bobby and Abbi like each other and want to date but aren't going out yet.)

this is how it went. -please know theres alot of mean things said and alot of hurtful words...but know EVERYTHING I said was the HONEST to god truth..and as some say truth hurts...-

me and my two friends are in my room talking. Katie walks in..

Katie- mom is sooo mad at you. Just wait till she comes in here. Shes going to give you an ear full.
Hope- why is she mad at me...? I've done nothing wrong. *confused look on my face*
Katie- Ohhh you'll find out, don't worry. She'll be in here soon. She was so mad, she was talking major shit on you in the car.
Hope- What the hell, Ive done nothing wrong, and why are you in here telling me what shes going to do. Get in your own business.
Katie- This is my business and I'm apart of this.
Hope- uhmm No your not. Leave me alone.
Katie- Hope, I walked in and freakin bobby was laying right next to Abbi. Your the older sister, you should of told him to go.
Hope- I fell asleep before him and its not like they where fucking. It was FINE. *Getting irritated*
Katie- It was NOT fine hope. And don't fucking lie. You where not asleep, you stay up later than bobby and Abbi put together.
Kendra- that's not true. Hope did go to bed before us. And Abbi was asleep before bobby even sat by her. Its not hope's fault if your brother fell asleep by her.
Katie- That's a lie from hell. I don't believe you. And hope SHOULD of told him to go.
Hope- Believe what the fuck you want to. I don't care. I know what happened you don't.
Katie- I will thank you very much.
Hope- What the fuck ever just leave I don't want to see your face.
Katie- no, ill stay if I want.
Hope- You know...you are 18 why the FUCK don't you leave now. Ive been waiting and I can stand to see your stupid face. Here, ill even be nice and help pack.
Katie- You'd like that wouldn't you...? *smug look on her face*
Hope- Hell ya. I'm done with you.
Katie- I'm done with you. Your always a bitch to everyone, and no body wants you in this house anyway. Your selfish and all you think about is yourself. Even dad thinks so.
Hope- ...what...*eyes widen* *heart stops*
Katie- Ohh what he didn't tell you..? He thinks your a FAKE and that your never honest with him. And that your that way with everyone...You didn't know that..?
Hope- *silence* *tears trying to come out*
Katie- Figures....
Hope- I....hate YOU. *tears stream down my face* I cant stand you and I wish you would just leave. You think your all that but your not. and you cry and bitch because you no longer have friends its cause of the way you TREATED them and you ditched them for your boy friend shelby.
Katie- No, I left my friends because they where all dumb. You don't know. And its so nice to hear that you really want me to go.
Hope- Whatever. You keep acting the way you do with everyone, especially shelby....He WILL leave you. And I would too.
Katie- I love him and he loves me. He would NEVER do that.
Hope- keep it up, I promise YOU he will leave. He wont put up with your bullshit much longer.
Katie- whatever you don't know. *Shes crying to now.*
Hope- Sure I don't, that's why he didn't just come to me the other day upset over your crap. And you know whats even sader...? My friends see it too. They use to loooove you.....Now they hate you too.
Katie- Your fucking friends need to shut the fuck up, there immature and stupid anyway.
Kendra- Ohhhh That's really nice and great. *pissed off look*
Abbi- *silence* (Lol, she doesn't talk at all through this all. I think she was terrified. I would of been too. It seem as though we where really going to kill one another.)
Hope- Shut up dumbass.
Our mother walks in. What is going on.....? *trying to act calm in front of my friends*
Katie- hope says she hates me and that she only loves dad.
Hope- She came in here saying that you where sooo pissed off at me and just let me know exactly how shitty of a daughter I was, and how my dad really thought of me.
Mom- Okay where not going to do this right now. Katie go in the other room now.
Katie- are you going to just let her get away with it...?
Mom- go now.
Katie- Gets the lab top and slams the door.
Mom- uhmm....girls when are your parents coming....?

***

I think I may have given my poor counselor a panic attack. Lol

Sooo...that's just the idea of what went down. It was much worse...much louder..and more hurtful words..that I didn't and couldn't remember to include. Not everything was dead on what was said but I hit all the main things. It was very long.....

Then after my friends left there was a family meeting that lasted two hours long.

There was alot of crying and shit...we worked things out but...I felt the same feeling I always feel when a fight like that has happened....dead and done.

I am done.

hurting inside

I'm with my two best friends....and yet



I still feel depressed.



Its cruel..and unfair...I should be happy



and yet I feel so fucking down and sad. >.<



I..



I kinda want to cry..



My heart aches.. and I feel so dumb and pathetic...



Why..



why



must



I



Feel



This



Way..

Sohoko

Some times I wonder if I grow more Sohoko each day... >.<

The yearning can get very unbearable and make me question things of which I'm not willing to answer, or at least not with friends knowing... =[

I love them on here but the people who actually know me..yaaa I prefer them not know everything. That's one bad thing about my blog. I added some of my friends and now I'm limited to what I may say...which I'm not going to lie is hard and irritating. Its like a love, hate relationship.

Anyway....

Sohoko...it kinda describes alot for me. Being in the middle...(I am the middle child, and lets face it..we middle people bare it ALL. Out of all the kids we care the MOST, out of all the kids we hurt the most, and out of all the kids we forgive easier. Where usually more emotional too. XD )
I'm always in the MIDDLE of the fight never the one having the fight (cause remember I don't like conflict ...and I'm just nice. =P ) I don't like being in the front of the class or really the back..but the middle is usually good. >.< When I draw i always start in the MIDDLE of the page...

don't you see...this middle has a real hold on me and is proving my life to live up to it's standards. >.<

I can't describe it much more than giving it away that it is the MIDDLE....if you get if...if you can see there's a secret message in here. Not in different colors like I normally do..but deep beneath the words...think what they mean...and you'll find the answer Ive been trying to forget....

HOLY SHIT

---

Tired

You are a tired soul. Perhaps you're just tired from being so busy all the time, working hard. Maybe it's school, or supporting a family. Maybe you take too much on your shoulders, the whole weight of the world... Whatever the reason, you just crave some relaxation. At the moment, you could care less about whats going on right now. Well, maybe you care, but you're just getting tired of caring. You are just plain tired of having a bunch of junk dumped on your life and you feel like you deserve a break. And if you've been working hard, then heck yes. Take a break before you really begin to go numb and forget to care.

OMG THIS IS SOOO ACCURATE. DID I NOT JUST POST SOMETHING SAYING IM DONE CARING. WOW. Thats soooo freakin kewl.

explains me.

---

Golden Candle

You are a rare creature. You are lovely in the inside, though you think you are weird. You keep to yourself privately, although everyone else thinks you shine. They look to you for comfort, and you never speak out of turn. You are the ultimate regality that everyone longs to be, but to you, it comes naturally. People think you are always bright, but there's a side to you tha tno one knows...you don't know how to express it, therefore, you take on art. You are exceptional at writig or painting or something creative. You might not be a professional at it, but you are not average. You are loved by almost everyone, you have good relationships, but if that relationship ends, you are not the type to get along like good friends again. Sometimes, you are also like the moon...always there in the night sky, carefully watching, cautiously guiding, loved, expected, and special.

skip or

wow...so amazing.

Irritation

I want to be able to be angry. To stay pissed...

But I never can do that. I always forgive and get tricked into feeling bad or being nice.

I wish I didn't care. If I didn't it wouldn't matter about there anger because I would have mine. But It's not in my nature being mean or cruel.

But people..Gah they just irritate the hell out of me. And I get mad for a bit and try with all my might to keep the anger but it always goes away and my heart softens. I kinda wish it would just harden..

I get too emotionally attached to people. Even with family. And I don't like it..cause they always hurt you or let you down...
I get hurt enough..why would I want someone I love doing it....really...?

Speaking of family...What the hell does it mean anyway. Everyone lives in different states, and the ones you do live by, you aren't close enough to be there...What's the point..? They say there there, and will always love you but if that where true....then why don't they call..why don't they come to see you..why don't they send a card. WHY DON'T THEY DO ANYTHING....??

idk..

Don't really care anymore, sick of caring is all I know.

stupidness....

It hurts talking.

But I cant stop.

Afraid to miss you.

Even more affraid to lose you...

Im holding a thin stread of hope..but its hope for nothing..and I dont care.....on to..

I just....

Miss

you

so

m

u

c

h

.........

Long lost feelings ohh joy... XD

It's been along...long time since she's been in my head..and I actually miss her. I have no idea why but she's been on my mind alot.. Is that good or bad. Well I dont know. >.<

I had a werid and sad dream...

She was in it and she died and I missed her so much and I remember I was crying alot over her as though I was still in love or something. Then she came alieve again but as a different girl..it was so werid like it looked exactly like her and had her voice but it wasnt her.. Sooooo werid. XD

Omg, now Im on fucking facebook and some dumbass just asked me if I wanted to fuck him, and That he's soo horny and if I was naked he would come and fuck me, WHAAATTT A CREEPER. XD
Sorry guys but some of you are soooo fucking crazy. >.< Ah. Lol.

Good lord, ahhh that just makes me laugh. XD

Anyway back to what I was saying,

=}

haha...I dont know what I was saying I just know I miss her, and I feel bad for her. I kinda just wanna give her a hug like old times..but I think that'd be to werid for her...so I'll leave my thoughts to myself. >.<

>.> <.< LOL....AHHHHH IM GOING TO GO CRAZY THINKING ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS.

alright...Im going to go find a large whole and fall into it until Im under control of gay feelings. >.< lol. SEEEE YAAAA.

A girls dream and a hearts goal

There's one thing in a girls life she truly wants the most.

The feeling of wanting and love.

Now, of course you can get this from alot of people.

Like...

friends
family
teachers
co-workers
anyone!!!!

But....There's always going to be that one special person we want most...

And that is the man Or women we'll be with.

You know, the one we sit and day dream about day after day. The one that will sweep us off our feet and fall madly in love with. The one you grow old with for the rest of your life....

yet...

How many find it..?

How long does it take..?

What suffering and pain will it take to get there..?

And how many times will you have to try and fail..?

Now of course you must be thinking..."she's so young...why the fuck is she complaining...?" Or, " Love is a long way for you, dont worry about it"........but

I do...and I'm scared.

Everyone gets divorced today. is that my fate..?
Everyone cheats or gets cheated on. Will this happen to me and will I except it and move on or move out..?
Everyone falls for someone else. Can I love anyone other than who I marry..and if so what type of person would that make me..?

I have a goal and a dream..thats to be a psychologist so I can help teens that have been raped or malested or some way abused get through it because I have. I was even physically abused and I got through it. Nothing will stop me from giving back to the world...by helping girls even boys who may be in the place I use to be.

Anway..the point is I dont want to date or get in a relationship in highschool cause I want to make sure nothing can get in the way of my life...my goal..but

I do want to have and find love....and love is just so hard to find. Im just scared if I wait too long it'll be too late.

I wont be out of college till im at leat 26..

I just want to find someone who can love me for me and love my goal..so that I can feel accomplished with my goal and loved with my future someone. >.<>.<

Dull

I wanna write something good...deep and amazing. But I cant seem to think of anything..

I hate having nothing to say or write cause I always do. And when I finally dont it's irritating. >.<

***

Right now, everything is standing all but too still.
When they upped my medicine it was suppose to make a HUGE change and yet I feel no different. It's hard to explain...but I dont feel better at all...but I certainly dont feel worse either.

I have no idea.

I just feel blank..like there's something missing. And It leaves me feeling so empty and dead. I stay up till 4 at night..then sleep in till 2 in the afternoon. Thats my life. Ive had friends over and Ive gone to friends house too..but idk...something is just wrong. or missing.

I wish I knew what was...but life is just kinda dull....

>.<

quote

I never told you

Watashi wa...anata ga i nakute sabishii desu.

I've missed you...

*smiles*

I Never Told You Lyrics- Colbie Caillat

Back baby XD

*Eyes lit up, and smiling*

My heart is pounding faster than normal.

My eyes have a certain hope that usually isnt there.

My body keeps wiggling around.

And a smile across my face.

God, this feeling and happiness should be illegal. I feel like I can fly or just do anything. I cant stop laughing and giggling.

I love this. I love it alot. I see now why it also hurt so bad when it was gone. It's a wonderful feeling. ^^

Almost like a rush. And man...Im so up for it.

Is that alright with you..?

Isnt it amazing how you can be soo happy and fine. Then within a few minutes you can be so fucking depressed and sad. Thats crazy...and dumb.

>.<

I. MISS. HIM. SOOO. FUCKING. MUCH......... T.T

It hurts soo bad.

I just want to cry, he doesnt even know. Nor does he care.

It's all so wrong. We've been through everything just for it to end here.

No..

It doesnt seem right.. It cant be

Thats all thats going on in my head....

I feel like I'm in a daze just watching everything happening but not really understanding it...or being able to change it..

I need to feel him..feel his energy..see his face...see his eyes look into mine. I need him.............

I wish it would just go away..And I wish I could move on as easily as he seems too.

What I really wish is that we had a chance to be we..to be something we'll never get to be or will ever be.......

T.T *tears. fall. down.*

Summer

Sooo, Im at my dads right now. I skipped out on summer skool and went here instead. Ive been here since last sunday. It's been amazing.

Anway, so last time i was really upset. What happened was...i was band from joe and his friend. It was terrible. The cops came and stuff....>.< long story short, i cant see him and its sad..but I havent been depressed since..and there's been no gay drama. so is it for the best, was it a good choice...?? I have no idea. I guess I'll always wonder about it...

I miss him alot. And I think about him alot too....it makes me sad. So i try to act like nothing ever happened. but it did..and I wish it still was..

***

Summer is going good soo far. Its been really busy. All my friends want to do shit with me. It's like there's not enough of me to go around. Lol. XD

You know what I really want to do this summer...? I want to get away. Get away from all my friends, and most of my family. Like the ones I see most of the time. I want to get away and find myself...Ive changed alot. And i kinda wonder who I am now...idk..

I seem to have alot on my mind lately..Like all I'm doing is thinking. And writing poems. I love them, its mainly cause of a certain blogger that got me wanting to write poems. Which is my girl Lea. XD

Love you all..I'ma go.

Kissing you

I feel so dead.

I just want to fucking CRY my stupid eyes out.

I want to know everything is okay,

I wanna know I'll see his face again.

I wanna know I'll hear his dumb voice when he's mad.

I wanna know I'll see him smiling when I say something dumb or wrong.

I wanna know I'll hear him laugh because he's a dork.

I wanna know that he'll never forget me....

and that I can feel the way I do when I'm with him isn't just made up..but real...guess I'll never find out...

how can this be.

I waited for so long. I've wanted to tell him how I feel and now he'll never know..and I'll be dieing here thinking of someone who probably doesn't care...

This hurts so bad. It's not even my fucking fault and yet I cant help but feel responsible for it all...I just want to drown myself in stupid depression..I want to soak it up as though It's candy on Halloween.

*tears falling down*

Never thought crying was so easy..and welcoming.

***

I miss him so much.

I miss talking

I miss hugging

I miss holding him and him holding me

I miss stealing his favorite spray and him getting mad and running after me

I miss sitting with him on the coach cuddling

I miss walking to his house

I miss seeing his smile

I miss walking by his side

I miss cooking with him

I miss the fact that I miss things we haven't done in a year.

and I miss the look in his eyes when he sees me.

***

Well...here it goes....

JOE......I.........Love.........You... T.T

goodbye.

Just had 1 of those fights that leave you dead...and hurting. Once again..
im provin to be the demon child. T.T
gtg, im on my phone. Night...

Blogger peeps read

Hello everyone. ^^

so this is just a quick post, and its about another good blog I follow.

-The blog gay ol' day is posting gay anime pics. SOOOO you should go and support him, and look at em cause there amazing-plz comment on them too, to show love and support.

Thank you all. XP

-OH and a shout out to my BOY at Dehumanizing the boy. HES AMAZING!!! He's also leaving for the summer so go show him some love before he goes. =DD

Hmm im blogging from my fone which is really kewl. So idk if this worked..we'll see i guess. Lol.

FACTS =D

So I had just gotten irritated with my mom and I was walking back into my room when I passed her room and it was staring at me.


I stopped in my tracks and toke a few steps back. It was calling to me, and I was going to anwser it's call.

Can you guess what it was...? Yes it was a treadmill. XD LOL>.<

I got on it and started off slow..then alittle faster..and faster and soon I was running. Working out all my stresses of family friends and most of all depression.

I stopped after 15 minutes went by. I was sweating of which I never do, and I was completley out of breath. I dropped to the floor and laid my head on the air vent and felt the cold air hit my face.
While I sat there I starting thinking about facts...

O.o Yes..facts.

this is what was going through my mind:

Sex takes away depression. I need to get laid....

Working out takes away depression. Im going to use the treadmill as though it was a dildo on a friday night.

Meditating takes away depression. All hail buda, and streching. XD

Counseling takes away depression. Hello counselor, Im your worst nightmare. Nice to meet you. >.< ^^

So pretty werid and fucked up..yes I know. Anyway, the point was all of those things really do help with depression. Though theres only a few Im willing to do. And I realized at that moment what a rush it was...so Im going to start working my ass off, and sweating off depression.

WHOOHOOO. How you like me now depression...??? XD

The red x is there any time....>.<>

Sleep

All I wanna do is sleep.

Sleep the days away.

Sleep my life away.

They say sleeping all the time is just a sign of depression..

Isnt that just dandy...? >.<

My eyes feel like there BEGGING me to close them. My body feels slupped over and dead...

..............................................*eyes close*................

good night..>.<

Future

Have you ever wondered what your future would turn out to be..How it was going to look like..and how everything changed....

I'm sure you have, lately thats all I seem to think about. The future..

I think I can finally move out.

I can get a car.

Go to collage.

Live with my dad.

and then I think...what if none of that ever happens..

then what, my future seems so bland and uncertain of which it is..but I just keep thinking something isnt right...

At one point or another you should have a period of time where everything is good. Everything is going great...(then it goes to hell. Lol)
But I havent had that yet...Ive been going through a huge and long peroid of pain and depression...and not once has it stoped...have i been able to just be happy and enjoy myself....

Thats not right..something is wrong or missing and I dont know what.. >.<

its frustrating because..I just want to be happy for a change, everybody I know has had a time to be happy, even if it was for a month or a year...I mean Ive been through so much hell my whole life..you'd think that for once...Id get a break...just to be NORMAL. to be happy...

is that to much to ask for.....

life..and all its glory

Getting depressed over nothing like normal...guess thats how it goes when you have depression..right..??

You know what I wonder....?

Is if I'll always be depressed...always be on medicine..

Is that my future...is that what I will look forward for...>.<

and is that what I'll pass to my kids....

.........*silence*

What a life right..

***

The energy is SO dead...like...you see I feed off of peoples energy. if there happy I'm happy if there sad I'm sad. Its just how it goes...and right now..there's no energy at all...which makes it right away negative....its hard to explain..but people or friends help me with my depression.

Of course they don't know that but, anyway...when they do something or say something to upset me it hurts alot...cause I take it all in and all the shitty energy that goes with it..

the energy at home sucks..my mom is talking to her fucking ass whole of a ex. and she bitches and complains he's such a jerk and I'm so done with him, then she stays and talks to him. I don't fucking get her.

My sister is just gah, fucking bitch. She's always yelling and judging me forever thing...why cant she just wake up and see the fucking dirt in her life.

my friends, I don't know anymore. I don't know who really are my true friends and who just are using me for what ever reason...

Explaining-for tyler

Okay this blog is explaing triangle. I'm writing this mainly for Tyler to explain and show him the situation and maybe even get some advice. (I'm changing the names of people in here because I have some of my friends on this blog and I dont want to give anything away and I dont want questions asked about who they are)>.<

As you said before, love hurts..it hurts alot..Its the main reason I completely ignore it. I can do with out it..now Im not saying I dont feel the need or wanting...Ya I do and it hurts but Its better than other pain and other drama.

We'll call the main guy Joe. I've known Joe for a long time, and known his family for a long time as well. Our friendship is werid because it's off and on. One moment we havent talked in a year and the next we talk everyday and do stuff everyday. Thats just how it is...and Ive come to terms with that.
Anyway...I like him..I like him alot and I have for 3 years now..but see we've always been friends and strictly friends...we hugged alot, baked together, held hands, laid by each other, lay on top of each other(nothing bad was going on..Lol), fell asleep in the same bed...I mean we pretty damn close. XD

And it seems each year the wanting grows more..and hurts more too. Hell you could practly say Im in love with the boy..but its werid because..I dont want to be with him...Now you must be like..wtf..Ya..Thats what Im thinking...
You see I really do love him. I know everything about him and he knows all about me. Ive seen him in his most vunerable times and he's seen mine...but because we've been through so much and friends for so long we both came to terms that we where scared to ever date because we didnt want our friendship to end...

And I agree with that but..I wanna be close with him..and do things that "friends" dont do, like kiss, and hug like you mean it...and shit like that...but he just went back with his ex...the one he said he would never date again...(how surprising...Lol)and Im scared because I dont know if he feels the same...
The funny thing is I wouldnt ask anything of him...not to be called boy friend and girl friend...or even be together all the time....no..I just want to be able to do things that couples do and not having him or me being or wanting anyone else....

Is that asking alot..or to much..?

I dont know..I ask myself this...and the wanting is worse now because he was technically my first kiss. Now see what happened was we where screwing around fighting over a blanket then he was like come over here if you want it, and I did. I leaned in and then he kissed me and then we did it like 3 more times..just little pecks on the lisps..and then he said something that tore me apart..

"I hope you know that meant nothing...I mean it wasn't meant like that..cause I know you've never kissed anyone at all.." I couldnt believe he said that..My heart stopped and I smiled at him and said "of course not..it meant nothing."
Oh what a lie that was...>.<

That happened like a year or two ago..and things where a lot different then..we where closer...now things are more about physical stuff..and sexual stuff...and it hurts because I have done certain things with him and I did it liking him which made it something special to me..when it wasn't for him....
So...I guess I do it to myself right..I'm dumb and put myself up for heartache...I don't know..

You know what I don't get is....

If we are such good friends wouldn't that make it easier if we did break up cause then we could just be like, you know it didn't work and at least we tried and never wondered what if in the future.........

I really dont want it to stay the same..in fact I want it to be the way it use to be....but that IS asking to much...and thats what sucks..

should I give up on him....theres more...and if you want to know more about Joe..I can post a blog just about him. >.< Let me know.....

welcome to the world of Hope....where theres constant pain, drama, and dont forget LOVE ISSUES. XD

QUOTES

so I didnt have enough time to write anything today so I put up some quotes that caught my eye and I thought you may like.

enjoy

Triangle-MY LUCK?!

I've never been more scared and relieved in my life.

I thought that one of my best friends had sex with another one of my friends...Now this doesn't seem bad right..? WRONG>.<

See..this person is the person I really care for..and even sorda like..Now, though I like them I wouldnt do anything about it cause, relationships are just not for me right now. Anyway...I still get jealous and all...and it hurts like a bitch to be around him..but it hurts worse when I'm not....Its terrible.

I lost it when I heard that they had sex....Like my heart sank to the floor. I thought it would fall out if I didn't hold my chest together.

I never pictured he'd let something like that happen so fast...and I was trying sooo hard not to be upset all fucking day but I was dieing...today in my second to last hour class charis(my best friend) told me she talk to the girl who is her best friend, and found out it was all a misunderstanding..they where screwing around..but they werent and did NOT have sex.

I was soo happy when she told me, apart of me is still sad though that he did shit with her..but it's better than having sex..

Or at least..for the sake of my sanitty it is.

this all just really sucks monkey balls.

and its way to late to change anything now...you know that saying your just in to deep...yeah..thats me..and you know what they say after that...

your fucked......

>.<

Daily confusion

I'm so confused..

Everything doesn't make sense. There's so many point of views and looks at things. And none of them are wrong nor right...

My heart...is constantly hurting..it's like never ending pain.

Everyone has changed so much...including me. But...I don't like some of the changes...and some of the changes...only hurt..but for other people it makes them happy...but like I said..it will ALWAYs...make me hurt...

In some ways I wish I could just start over...find knew friend..new crush..and even a knew family..
But that just comes with a whole new drama I'm unfamiliar with.

I just feel like Im slowly breaking and everyone and everything is just trying to break me further into a world of constant suffering....

Gah..

I'll explain more tomorrow...no time.

T.T

Boys and their Toys

I am one of Hope's best friends. I am kind of new at this blogging thing, and I just wanted to try it out.
Whoever invented the airsoft gun...I hate you.
I got shot in the boob yesterday by one of those damn things and it hurt like a son of a bitch. It left a bruise. I noticed when I woke up this morning.
Hope's brother got it for his birthday a few days ago. And he's not even the one that shot me it was Hope's lover boy (sex toy). He's so emotional and dramatic it's not even funny. I've never met such a girl in my life. I pinched him and he screamed.
I do support her in her choice though. We're friends and that's what friends are for right??????? I suppose. Haha,.

GUNS=PAIN IN THE ASS

Who ever created that damn airsoft gun I wanna fucking kill.

My damn brother got one for his 13th birthday, and he's a fucking maniac with it.

He's always pointing it right at me, even when its loaded. I swear to god Im going to break his kneck if he does it again.

Now your probably wondering why is this so bad...? He hasnt shoot you yet.

WRONG.

The bitch got me right in the arm. And He sure did get an ear full of FUCK YOUUUUU!!!!

SO, anyway tonight I'm going to hide the damn thing. And hopefully he'll never find it
.<

Teardrops on my guitar

"Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see
What I want and I need
And everything that we should be

I'll bet she's beautiful
That girl he talks about
And she's got everything
That I have to live without

Drew talks to me
I laugh 'cause it's just so funny
I can't even see
Anyone when he's with me

He says he's so in love
He's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows
He's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

Drew walks by me
Can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be

She better hold him tight
Give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes
And know she's lucky 'cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight

'Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see"

So this song is now my song. In every damn way. >.<

All the highlighted stuff is stuff that I feel or do or happens. This song describes it all..thats why almost everything is fucking highlighted red..lol...

Teardrops on my guitar

Drew Looks at me

I fake a smile so he wont see

What I want and I need

And everything that we should be

I'll bet she's beautiful

That girl he talks about

And she's got everything

That I have to live without

Drew talks to me

I laugh cause its just so funny

I cant even see

Anyone when he's with me

He say's he's so in love

He's finally got it right

I wonder if he knows

He's all think about at night

He's the reason for the teardops on my guitar

The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star

He's the song in the car I keep singing

Dont know why I do

Drew walks by me

Can he tell that I cant breath?

And there he goes, so perfuctly

The kind of flawless I wish I could be

She better hold him tight

Give him all her love

Look in those beautiful eyes

And know she's lucky cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

The only thing thats got me wishing on a wishing star

He's the song in the car I keep singing

Dont know why I do

So I drive home alone

As I turn out the light

I'll put his picture down

And maybe get some sleep tonight

Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart

He's the song in the car I keep playing

Normal day..or at least as normal is it gets

Today is a good day.

(so far..Each time it turns out good it always ends bad some way..so I dont want to curse it) Lol.

If any of you ever get really bored theres this amazing site I have thats really fun and entertaining..lol.

Its called www.gamesthatgive.net you should play bubble buster. Its my top favorite. And the star game. I think they call it staries. Lol.

Anyway,

I actually told my best friend everything...Like alot has happened to me these last few weeks and I havent been able to tell anyone. But yesterday I did. She's my best friend ever man. I didnt ever think we'd be this close or still even talking but we do.

I went to church with her last night. It was good until the end....Thats when of course he showed up....>.<

(I TOLD YOU. ITS ALWAYS THE END. AHHHH) Lol

Its like he's EVERYWHERE.

In my thoughts, at school, with my friends, fuck even my DREAMS. >.<

XD

It's like I cant exscape anywhere...its really unfair if you ask me....


I'll blog soon about exactly what happened..but I'm not ready yet...it still hurts..still hurting..

Bi-polar

You ever just have one of those days where you wonder why the fuck you even woke up...

why you take each breath in....

*my hand is raised up HIGH* lol.

I was getting better..with the whole depression and all...but just about a week or two ago it got bad again....like as bad if not worse than it was before...

Man I really dont want to go to school...like i know thats random but it just poped in my head.

My stomach is hurting...its "that time" and I have the munches lately..lol

wow.....I am so fucking bi-polar....

*takes gun and shots*

>.<

Alright..I'm going to bed...lol. Night

Suffering

It hurts so bad...

This feeling makes my heart fall inside out..

All I can do is cry and wallow in my own damn self pity, it's so fucking pathetic.

It hurts so bad.. its kills..and they have no clue.

No clue how much I fucking care...how much I truly am there....

I wish I wasn't. I wish I would just say fuck it. Like everyone else has...but I cant and I wont because I'm fucking STUPID.

I just want to save them and help them..let them feel no pain...but either way..I'll always be in pain...its like I CANT WIN!!!!!!!

It would be so much freakin easier if I was all alone away from everyone and everything..then no one could hurt me and I as well could hurt no one......

gah.....I just want to cry...

.....T.T.......this is pure suffering..

BACK

It's been such a long time. Im sorry about that too. But Im back soo it's all good.

I really have been meaning to get on but after i got home and started the recovery stage everything changed. Like even I changed. It's really werid..

Like the way I feel about relationships have changed and the way I feel about kids and love..>.<

Well anyway..this is just letting you all know I'm back. And I'm going to start "Real" blogs after this one..this one is just a I'm alive type of blog. lol. =D

Love ya all thanks for everything and again I'm sorry for being gone for so damn long.

recovery

These next weeks of recovery are going to be long and boring. I love the fact that I'm home and there's no school for me(except for awhile..I have to be home schooled for awhile) I can hardly get off the damn coach which means I'm not going ANYWHERE for a LONG while.

Tomorrow there going to take out my staples...Im kinda scared which is so fucking stupid because if I can make it through major surgery than I can make it through staples coming out...>.<>

I have a special toilet that i have to use because I cant get up or off a normal one. Anyway, it's amazing. I'd die without it. =p

Same with my pillow that I keep on my tummy. It helps for the most part.

Sooo how is everyone doing..??? I've been gone for soooo long I'm not sure if I can read everything Ive missed sooo everyone should make a post called " the new and old" and give me a low down or summery of everything Ive missed and some resent stuff so that I can just start from there. ^^

Thank you all it would mean alot. Though if there is anything you want me to see just tell me the name of it and ill go find it..other wise we'll just go from there.

I love you ace, and Lia. Thank you for the comments, your amazing.

I'M ALIVE, but I have some sad news

I'm very sorry I've been gone for so long. There was a reason, though. The pain I was feeling on my side wasn't just nothing; it was ovarian cancer. Seven and a half inches long, in fact. It was twisted around my left ovary, thus, I lost my whole left ovary along with the cancer. I was in the hospital for a few days. Hopefully it won't come back since we caught it early. But we have to watch over it.

God is amazing. I was very blessed that the surgery went so well.

Guess what, my nurse was gay! He was so cute! That was the best part, lol.

I won't be able to read all of your guy's stuff for awhile (I won't be fully recovered until six weeks from now). But I'll do my best to get caught up.

Already gone

I've only cryed myself to sleep once before last night.. And both times left me feeling the same. Depressed and numb.

I woke up feeling the same as well. I was going to go to church but I didn't go. Felt like being alone......

Do I do it to myself..? Do I set up myself for heart break..? I'd like to think not but I guess so. I just know I'm done with it.

I have a goal in life. I finally have a reason. And for now Im gona keep my eyes on the price, fuck relationships. No dating, no flirting. No heartbreak. Thats how its gonna be for now on, till I decide people wont just fuck me over or something will turn out for nothing.

But this is part of learning. Falling is i mean...and now Im getting back up but never again. I tryed so hard and yet so far but in the end it doesnt even matter. I had to fall to lose it all but in the end it doesnt even matter. Listen to it on my little ipod thing. Its exactly how I feel right now.

I guess some things in life are just too damn over rated. >.< I knew this. But knowing me I tryed anyway...and just like normal got slapped in the face for it. So I'm already gone. That's another song on there that I want you to listen too. Its also how I feel.

My birthday is tomorrow...and it feels like its just going to be like any other day to me. I don't want to celebrate or anything. I mean seriously why celebrate hope when she doesn't even know what hope means. Its foreign as far as I'm concerned.

I did want a few things. Of which I no longer want.

You know what I want..? I want to be stuck ALONE in a dark room for ever. That's what I want. Nothing else seems comforting as much as that does.

You know 16 years ago...I would of never pictured my life like this. As a kid...I was sooo happy. I had no fucking depression or anything like that. Everything was great, the world was a good place.......

Now its hell and I just wish it would end....I mean I never signed up for this.

Happy 16 birthday hope. Pft...

(listen on my ipod broken inside.)Its my song.