Already gone

I've only cryed myself to sleep once before last night.. And both times left me feeling the same. Depressed and numb.

I woke up feeling the same as well. I was going to go to church but I didn't go. Felt like being alone......

Do I do it to myself..? Do I set up myself for heart break..? I'd like to think not but I guess so. I just know I'm done with it.

I have a goal in life. I finally have a reason. And for now Im gona keep my eyes on the price, fuck relationships. No dating, no flirting. No heartbreak. Thats how its gonna be for now on, till I decide people wont just fuck me over or something will turn out for nothing.

But this is part of learning. Falling is i mean...and now Im getting back up but never again. I tryed so hard and yet so far but in the end it doesnt even matter. I had to fall to lose it all but in the end it doesnt even matter. Listen to it on my little ipod thing. Its exactly how I feel right now.

I guess some things in life are just too damn over rated. >.< I knew this. But knowing me I tryed anyway...and just like normal got slapped in the face for it. So I'm already gone. That's another song on there that I want you to listen too. Its also how I feel.

My birthday is tomorrow...and it feels like its just going to be like any other day to me. I don't want to celebrate or anything. I mean seriously why celebrate hope when she doesn't even know what hope means. Its foreign as far as I'm concerned.

I did want a few things. Of which I no longer want.

You know what I want..? I want to be stuck ALONE in a dark room for ever. That's what I want. Nothing else seems comforting as much as that does.

You know 16 years ago...I would of never pictured my life like this. As a kid...I was sooo happy. I had no fucking depression or anything like that. Everything was great, the world was a good place.......

Now its hell and I just wish it would end....I mean I never signed up for this.

Happy 16 birthday hope. Pft...

(listen on my ipod broken inside.)Its my song.

Fun =]

Relationships are so werid and hard. Thats why I try hard to avoid them. >.<

But sometimes that just doesnt happen.

So basic low down...I still care/love my ex..and he's with my best friend...but there relationship isnt going well and he knows it. I think he may end up breaking up with her...and he also knows I still you know care.....so I think thats one reason he may break up with her...

But I dont wanna be the reason of that. I mean dont get me wrong...I'd be kinda relieved if they did but I dont want it to be done because of me. I want him to you know break up with her cause thats what he wants. >.<

AHHHH so confusing.


We got a shit load of snow over here. Sooo where kinda stuck in our house. =p

Fun Fun, right..? No. I wanna get out and do something. But of course...cant. =s

Dood I love the song I make the good girls go bad. Its sooo hot. Like the SEX. Listen to it. ^^

GOOD GIRLS GO BAD!!! =DDDD =P

dont have much time

Lia I love you girl. I meant to write something long and nice. But time is not on my side.

So thats all I could sum up.

Have in fun

Hello Everyone.^^ SOoo thought it'd be fun too post some yaoi. Which is gay anime. Lol. I love it though, so enjoy...or die. Not. =D or maybe.... XP

this one is sexy

this one is okay.

OHH ya this one is tight.=p

Yep Im feelin this one too.

this one is my top fav. Whootwhooo.

I make the good girls go bad ^0^

So ina good mood right now. Just feel like chating and just talking bout anything and everything. =]

School, has been going fine. I got all caught up,and ive been gettin like A's and B's on my math test's and quizes. IM SOO PROUD. I never do that good in math. Haha Im awsome right..? =p
Don't anwser that. Tehe.

You know sprite is the shit. It's my favorite soda. Though I dont drink soda.I drink it every great moon. Hehe.

OMG!! I just remembered something I can talk about. SO I've never really liked anyone at school,and nor have I cared too. Then this guy switches into my 4th hour choir. And HOLY SHIT, HES HOT. I dont know someting bout him....Im attracted too. He's avarge height, got long black hair, Blue eyes, and he's a freakin senior. =D

Dood....I think I like him...Lol. That's never happened to me before. So I talked to him today and it went well.^^ Though I think he has a girl, which is okay..I mean it's not like Ima date him anyway. >.< Haha

Doood EVERY ONE at my school is getting prego. Its fucking crazy!!!

I wanna have some one I really know get prego. Hahaha. =D

Hmmmm wat cha say, all that its all for love. XP

I need a topic to talk about......Grrr Im in the mood and have nothing. To bad. >.<

Back

Hello everyone. ^^

Sooo it's just been hell this past few days. I got very sick, and was throwing up then i got better from the throwing up part but got back that terrible pain in my left side.
(To this day since last wednesday I have slept on the coach sitting up. UP. I am SOOO sick of it.) I hope this isnt to personal but it'll help also why I'm in pain. I got my "monthly" sunday as well which has been hell. I went to the docter and they think i could have something wrong with my ovarys.(didnt spell that right) They think i have cits on them. Anway..this coming monday i got to go to the Hospital and get a altra scan or something...From there, many things can happen..

I could have to get surgery, get on another medicine, or the worst one....they wont do anything and I'll have to just LIVE with it...which is NOT good. >.<

Thank you for the comment Just.^^ It was very nice, and very helpful. I owe you.

So anyway. I'll start getting up oost often now. =]

Well i got ALOT of peoples blogs to read and comment...


FUN FUN. =P

hello this is hope's brother,hope has been sick for the past 3 days and still is not feeling better.she has alot of homework to make up,she hopes to get on and post something soon.pray for her to get better,thankyou very much and you will get more details from her as soon as possible.

shout out to blogger peeps

Thank you to all my blogger people.
for staying and reading even though I hardly get on though i promise that will change.>.<

Anyway,

LIA-You know I fucking love you. Your amazing,and will always be my best friend. You write the best poems, and always seem to make my day bright. <3

TY- Boy I have been worried sick about you. And I'm sooo glad to find that your doing better. I cant wait till I get to hear from you.^^ I miss you lots lil brother.S0 get better. <3

MATT- I know I haven't talked to you much and I feel terrible. Your blog is where I'm going next after this post, sooo be ready. Your fucking amazing. I love you lots and your picture are amazing, the SEX. =D <3

RYAN-Though I just "meet" you I can tell your sweet, kind, caring, Witty, and awsome. I think your a great person, and a great big brother. Im sure others agree. Your very kewl, and I hope to learn more about you. ^^ <3

And to anyone else on here....who I haven't mentioned thank you. ^^

I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY TOMORROW. =D

I've been getting bad again on getting on everyday..

And I hate it. I love blogging. And reading people's stuff. But with home work its keeps me sooo damn busy. Not just that but i have this werid thing where I tell myself i never have enough time. Like not enough time to watch tv..or get on blogger. Things like that..

Anyway,

Not too much has been going on. My moms boyfriend left..and well everything is peaceful again. There hasnt been any fights or drama. It's nice. Im not gonna lie. >.<

You know what i noticed..? At my school everyone is getting pregant. Maybe its the season or something. Lol. Noo but really. Its crazy. It makes me wanna have some one i know that Im actually close to have a kid. >.<

Haha, i love kids though.

Speaking of kids...

I went to my daddys this weekened. It went well for the most part..... >.<>

My step sister is like..omg...sooo annoying and mean now. When ever she doesnt get her way she goes and tells. Like she trys to get everyone in trouble and Im sick of it. She went and got me in trouble. And what really upset me was that my dad believed a 10 year old.....over me. He's REAL daughter who technically 16. Gahh that really upset me. Im still hurt..but it doesnt matter. She spoiled and that wont change. She wont change. And my dad wont and cant do anything....

SO what does it matter right...?

All i know is..i go there to see my dad. Not to get bitched at and in trouble by a fucking snoty 10 year old brat. >.<>

P.s-everyone, thanks if you prayed for Ty. He's getting better which is amazing. Sooo plz keep it up. Love you all.

Ty needs our help

My little brother...and my top number one boy on here is hurting right now. He is in a coma until he is healed.
I cryed when I heard this...This shouldn't happen to good people and yet it does. Soo I need all of my blogs help.

I need you all to pray or whatever you all do. I need support for him. He means the world to me. And Im sure even some of you feel the same. SO knowing this...

Everyone post this up and name it Ty needs our help.

He needs all the love and support we can give him. >.<

If you have any compassion at all...or respect for my blog...you WILL do so. OTHER WISE.. you might as well delete me cause that's what I'm here for. My blogger people.

Thank you all...and Ty...I pray and I.......I even HOPE you get better. I'm putting all my faith to you.....so get better. T-T

Math and drama what a combination

So it's been alittle while since I've last posted and I meant to get to it but theres been alot of drama at home and ALOT of stupid math home work.

Soo I'll start with math first. She hates me. lol. I just know she does. She gives a shit load of home work. NOW it was 14 problems. OKay so your thinking...Hope thats not that much. Stop bitching and do it.

WELL LET ME TELL YOU BOUT THESE FUCKING PROBLEMS. OHHHHH. =p
Each one has 4, yes FOUR steps to them. And none of them can come out in fractions. But guess what...? THEY ALL DO. SOOOOOO one fucking problem can take anywhere from 10 minutes. Imagine 14. YEAHHHHH WHOS COMPLAINING NOW BITCH. >.<

Soooo anyway thats been really stressing me out. Like I almost started crying over it...dumb right...and I DONT ever cry unless Im really upset. Lol. >.<

Now to the fun part. Real shit.

My moms been unhappy with her relationship with her boyfriend for along time. She's tried to work things out and just take it. But you see, my moms been through hell in back with love. She doesnt deserve this.
And she knows that. SO like 4 days ago..Mum told him she cared for him in all but it wasnt working and he had till friday to leave.
This was the right desicion. I was very proud of her. And yet....

I felt bad for him.... This is one thing i hate about me. I always have to feel the energy around me and whatever it is....I take on. His hurt sad and kinda numb.... you can guess what I am.

Gahh. And not just that.....I just wanted to help him..and idk..maybe cry with him.

Its sooo stupid cause I wanted him to leave..and yet i feel bad..

This is natural Im sure some of you will say.. But not for me. I didnt really like him i prayed thed wouldnt last cause I was done. Now all of the sudden I feel for him..

>.<

Feeling suck ass.

anyway..he'll be completley gone by this saturday.. AND because Ima chicken Im going to my dads...not just that but I really do miss my dad..

OHH and get this, when he moves and im suppose to go to my dads is my moms birthday!!!

God ima selfish bitch.

I told her i would stay..but she said no. We wouldnt be doing anything and she rather us go to my dads..
WHen I say i want to be left alone, its usually just a cloak to show Im strong. What I really want is someone to stay...saying nothing...just being there with me..
Because no one wants to be alone...I should of tryed to say no mom im staying..but idk..

PLus..My sister wont go to my dads...so she'll be with her...so thats okay..right..?

AHHHH IM TERRIBLE AT MATH AND AT DRAMA. >.<

Pity..not likely.

Praying, and maybe even "hoping" that school will be canceled. >.<

Where suppose to be getting a shitload of snow. And the temp tomorrow morning will be negative 20. Thats FUCKING cold.

Dont get me wrong..I like winter for some reason..but when it gets like that....Im ready for summer. Lol.

You know what I find very amusing...?

I was talking with a friend the other day(wont mention any names) and they where very upset...and depressed. The cause was something very small to someone like me who's been to hell in back.

And I try to have compassion with all when it comes to be depressed, but some times my heart turns cold. I cant stand it when people who have it good complain...and are "depressed because for once ONE thing didnt go there way.

I cant and wont take it. I usually ignore their conversation..because I dont want to be rude and be like....Uhmmm dood thats nothing...compared to other things.

Idk....Maybe I'm being harsh.

I had a very controling step father who become my father at the age of 5. He became all I knew..and my mom has divorced him becuase of terrible things he done to her..and to me of which I WILL not mention..becuase for now that is not the point, and is a WHOLE other story in itself.

Anyway, He taught me really bad habits that I still unfortinatly have today. And one of them is not showing or having alot of compassion. I can be very cold at times. Though I try not to be, also...I dont really have or pity anyone. Its one thing he also taught me. No one cares...and you shouldnt either. You are out there for number one. and when you complain or look down on ur self and say why me your stupid and pathetic.

Soooo obviously...I find it very hard to have pity for anyone....Because I feel like everyone goes through shit..so did I and I had no pity..what makes anyone else special....?

This consept is probably wrong. Which is okay.. But thats kinda how my mind runs...because of "his" teachings. Though, Im much better than I use to be.

I also cant stand to cry. He taught me this as a weakness and if you did you where weak and stupid. I learned to be "tuff". And take it like it was. No tears could or would be involved.

Another one of his "wonderful" teaching I learned was to laugh at when people where hurt..or in pain...Lol....>.<

Isnt that terrible. I try my best to control it but if someone falls or slips I die laughing. >.<

Terrible right...? I know. I do though say are you okay..? But its usually after Im done laughing.

Though I DO NOT laugh when someone is crying or truly injured. Like bleeding or something. Soooo Im not that bad cause theres people who do that. But its still pretty bad.

>.<

Idk....where I'm going with this now...I'm kinda of blabbing....


If any of you pray, pray I'll have no school. Lol. Love you all. ^^

Post later

Just one of those days. Be on later and and post something good later...

Too depressed.

>.<

not like anyone gives a shit anyway. Might as well fucking delete this damn thing.

AMAZING NEWS INUYASHA FANS READ NOW.

HUGE FUCKING NEW!!!!!

Now to some of you well most of you, you couldn't care less. Good for you.

But for those who do care omg your gonna shit A HUGE FUCKING BRICK. =DDDDDD

READY FOR THIS....???? >.<

INUYASHA HAS COME BACK WITH 26 BRAND NEW EPISODES. I HAVE A SITE WHICH WILL BE PUT ON HERE FOR YOU. XP

I CANT BELIEVE THIS AHHHHHH.

http://www.inuyashahaven.hostzi.com/

ENJOY ALL. ^-^ WHOOOOHOOOO

Night of hell & Are blogger people dead..?

Once again last night was another night from hell. >.<

Didn't sleep at all got up at 5 again.

Told my Mom, it was hurting and she like starts crying and shit was like "what do you want me to do Hope..? Its way to early to take you to the E.R.
And when we do go hope we'll have to wait bout 4 hours just to be seen."

"Nothing I guess then. Im just telling you it hurts and I havent slept." -shes crying-

(You know through this whole damn thing I don't cry once when IM the one in PAIN, and IM the one who hasnt SLEPT. >.<)

"Hope have you tryed sitting up, laying on your side..? Did you put the heating pad on your side?"

"Yes mom I did." >.<

"I don't know what to do hope..!!!"

"I'll go out in the living room and try to sleep on the coach...."

SOOO some how I fall asleep there sitting up.-woke up with a bad ache in my neck and back-.....

Well that was a short summery of how my wonderful night went. <.>

Seems like no body's been on lately..either that or I'm just a loner and no one wants to comment or talk to me. Lol

But really. Seems like people are dead or something, so I'd like it very much for some love from you all...or at least come and say Ur alive. =D

UGH >.<

Soooo for some damn reason my left side around my stomach and uper thigh Ive been having terrible sharp pains. Like they where worse than cramps..

I don't know what the hell is wrong or whatever all I know is it hurts like a bitch. >.<
It started round the afternoon....got worse at 10:00 or so and still hasnt left since last night at 10.

That is ridicouls. A scale 1 to 10 10 being the worst pain, it'd be a 10.

I didnt fall asleep till 5:00 in the fucking morning. >.< gosh im soo pissed about it. I didnt want to spend my last day with my step sister feeling like shit. This sucks.

And she leaves tonight at 7!!!! >.<

Ugh.

I can't believe I'm actually saying this cause 6 months ago i wouldn't agree. But I'm actually sad she's leaving..... I really dont want her to go. ..

It's kinda werid for me to say that..cause not to long ago...I kinda hated her..lol

I feel bad...I mean I said sorry but people never forget......

Idk. Ima try and lay down....an maybe die. >.<

Lol.

Ty

SOOOO this here is the closest thing I've got of a picture of my lil bro. >.<

Lol.

Here again I'm doing the post about my friends here and well everwhere..well..maybe just on here..lol. So Ty actually found me. I have NO IDEA how, or why he even liked my blog cause I'm...I'm me. >.< And to be honest I don't think I'd wanna follow a fruit like me.

Lol.

Ty is sooooooooooo sweet and kind hearted. BUT he's got a temper just like any young hot headed boy. (LOL) I like that about him though. He knows not to take shit from people. (I hope this quality of his rubes off on me >.< )
He is full of life and excitment. He's load and out there. AND most of all he says what he thinks and feels. Which I cant do half the time because I dont want to hurt people or upset anyone.

I envy this from him. XP

He's been with my blog since I first started. WHich i was all bi-polar at the time because of all the drama and shit going on in my damn hopeless hope life.

Lol.

Anyway. Hes my top fav boy.

Love ya lil bro.

MATTY XP

So since I did my last blog on a friend Im gonna do this one on one too. ^^
This here is one of my men in bloggin. To be exact my 2nd one. =) He's my man. Lol.

take him and u die. lol. but really xp

I am now going to call him matty. Haha. I made that all up on my own. Arent I good...? Lol.

He's soooo fucking amazing. Boy if i was older and you werent gay i'd totally want to date you. Lol. Ur amazing.

If you dont know him or dont have him on ur blog first off:

YOUR FUCKING CRAZY

Secound off:

He's the shit!! (Told you Im rubbing off LOL)

But really hes sooo kewl. >.< I love the pictures he puts up. And he is soooo sweet. Like talk about kind hearted. <3

lol

I love ya matty boy. ^^

2 is better than 1

To start the knew year off I'm going to show you my favorite blogger, and my bestfriend. Sooo some how i found this person in a whole world of bloggers and happen to love her blog...because

something about her was different.....real. I'm a very real, and a realistic person. Finding her was unreal and since then our friendship as been unreal as well.

I can truly say I've never meet anyone like or near like her. I can truly say I've never wanted to hug someone so much.(Lol) I can truly say I've never had a friendship last online and become as strong as this one.

It's so unreal to me because things like this dont happen....ever.

point blank.


People like her give me hope....of which I honestley dont have..... You must be thinking.....WHAT..? Her name is hope and yet she has no hope....? WTF>>>?

Ya thats what I think every damn day.... I hate my name.... with a pattionate loath..

I could and can never succisde to it. I bring shame and dishonor to it.. and yet she makes me truly question my own thoughts.

You see Im a piece of shit. (lol) Its true, Im a turd...and Im stubborn but I cant help but run with my tail between my legs when she says something... like its okay.. Im thinking its not okay..but just because she spoke it into this world....i obey and think it is okay. LOL>.<

Im kinda like a dog.... (LMAO) I have but one master..unless my master leaves me..or I must leave my master for what ever reason. =P


I tend to give "good" advice...but the bad thing about me is I never take my own words into say.. She reminds me of this. AND I like that. I like people saying HOPE!! STOP PUSSY FOOTING AROUND AND DO SOMETHING.

She's not affraid to tell me things. She trusts me...and for what ever reason....I dont know. >.<
(Remember Im a turd!)

You know i just cant stand how people like you, bri, Ami.....can put such werid feelings on me. You know i think my retardness and turdness is started to rub off.

DAMN IT. RUN EVERY ONE. XP XP

AHHHH. Im so crazy...i swear. >.<

Anyway..

I may not be able to write good poems....(Thanks Katie -my sister Katie-)

But I can tell you one thing straight out with out hesitation.

















She's my girl and my world. She is my first REAL friend. AND I will always love her for this.

<3>

(If ur smart lol...you'll realize theres more to what this is really saying.) ^^ tehe IM good like THAT. ^0^

Family issue

It's sooo amusing to me how things never seem how they are... It makes me laugh..not in a good way though..lol.

Things you thought wouldnt happen do...and people who you think are amazing arent. >.<

It's like WHAT THE FUCK....? Seriously...? WHY..???

WHY

WHY

WHY....?

WHY.......because that's life they say....but I NEVER in a million years saw all this crap coming as a kid..hell even a preteen.

I thought Life would be better and funner the older I got because I would be able to do more things..and Become me. Who ever that would be....

I figured family would grow closer and become one.

But as I have said..it's NOTHING like that.

Like at all, and I dislike this.

I dislike that my mother has waited for ever and has been in such ABUSIVE relationships to find a guy and he seems to be just the same..

I hate being scared worried that today will bring knew unnecessary fights...that leave everyone with scars.

I just want my family to be happy and all the damn drama to just calm down...

>.<

Grr.

Im also nervous for skool....which is monday and my classes change too...which sucks major ass. It gets my panties all up in a bunch. LOL. =D

No but really it sucks.

ahhh. WELCOME TO MY LIFE. >.>

>.<

<.<

<.>