Showing posts with label depression.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression.. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I hate this


I hate this!!!

Its the one stupid thing I'm good at..and I cant fucking do it.

I CANT DRAW LIKE EVERYONE THINKS I CAN. IM NOT A FREAKIN GOD LIKE THEY SEEM TO THINK I AM. AND I CANT DRAW EVER FUCKING THING THEY WANT. T.T

Trying to draw stuff that I know is out of my league is depressing and hurtful.. like a slap to the face,....a fucking reminder that you fucking suck and can only do so much..

I draw to help ease my mind, to make others smile, and to feel accomplished and worthy of something.....

And when I cant do that..it fucking hurts deep. Like a dagger to the back...and you just keep getting stabbed. >.<>.<

So dont ask of me to do it....cause now look...Ive dissapointed my uncle and grandparents and people I dont even fucking know!!!!!!!

And most of all..............

I dissapointed myself.

I really thought maybe I could...and I couldn't and they still ask of me to try again.

I don't want to try again....what is this a sick fucking joke, hope you've failed and we want you to try again to watch you fail FOR A FUCKING THIRD TIME.

O.O
SO MUCH FOR THIRDS A FUCKING CHARM.

T.T

I feel so depressed...I'm so mad I'm freakin crying!! GAH!!! X[

I hate this...

Monday, July 19, 2010

Normal day in the life of....hopeless fucking hope

Forgive me that its been such a long time I post. Its just cause its summer. >.<
***
It's the same as always..
Nothing ever changes here. Things seem to get better, but..they never do. There always the same old fights. The same old yelling the same old pain...and emptiness..
It eats away at this broken family...
I'm sick of hearing "I'm done." Because no one is ever really done! Not when your blood. You'll always be attached and you'll always have to deal with them...because in reality you cant just be done.
Let me tell you...How fucking sick I AM and how DONE I am.
I'm so irritated at this damn life of mine.
Why cant I ever have it "good."
I'm sick of stupid fucking people complaining over life over STUPID THINGS!!!!!!!!!!! Who actually have it good and take it for granted...!! Who have had a good life always, never had a TRULY bad thing happen to THEM.
I hate it..hate I have to hear others complain..when I cant..because mine is actually something that eats away at me each day....it makes me sick to my stomach that people have become so dense and selfish..I would love to have a good easy life.
My life from day ONE has been rocky and no smooth sailing..I just cant seem to understand or comprehend why I CANT EVER BE HAPPY......?????????????????????
When is it my time to be fine, to smile more than I ever have. To laugh and really be happy. To cry because its something joyous or amazing...not sad.......its always sad.....
***
Its amusing to me how things and even people are never truly as they seem.
We look like a happy normal family with of course some stupid drama, but nothing out of the ordinary..nothing really bad...
Or.....so you would think.
I'm not dumb and I know everyone goes through life..and something "bad happens"....but what is the definition of bad..?
There's different types of bad things and to be point blank..there's some that ARE worse than others..
I don't like to complain..but I ...just wonder and feel terrible...that I my family for some damn reason can never be happy or normal..
All I want in this life.....is a happy normal life.
I want to be HAPPY..not having to fake a smile or a laugh I want to feel what Ive never felt in my life....
Being normal...
I want me and my family to finally get what we deserve...true happiness.
why cant we have true happiness.. *crys*

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Dad....




Ever since the fight....I've been ignoring my Dad.

My dad is the world to me...His thoughts are all I care to hear. And these last few months my dad has been telling me how much he loves me. And how I'm the best daughter. How I'm the only one who TRULY cares.
He even called me the day before the fight and confided in me about his problems and told me I was the one he could turn to.

I love him soo much. I tell him everything. Maybe not details of everything but I tell him the idea of it. Explain. Im...idk....doing stuff with boys. Id say dad I did some stuff with boys...and I wont do it again. Of which I haven't. He'd say okay hope. I love you.

See...when the fight really went bad..when things really got worse was when my sister told me exactly how my father felt about me and he told her this the day he called me and told me about his problems.
I lost it when she said he thought I was fake with him and to others. If anything I'm so real with others that that's why people dislike me cause I'll tell them like it is. If the sun is really fucking pink ill tell you its FUCKING PINK BITCH.

I just.....cant believe my dad...would think of me like that...after all the stuff hes said to me...and how he acts. it hurts so bad.

That's why I haven't called or gone over there yet...because I'm afraid its true...and if it is I don't know what I'll say or do....
I want it to be a lie. But I have a terrible feeling....its not.

and this makes me truly sad...and cry.

I thought i was better than that to him.. and he was better than that to me............

Counseling

Counseling was very interesting..

We talked about my mother and my sister and the huge fight that toke place. (Which was yesterday.)

People you may need to know is:
Katie-my sister- age 18-hoe lol
Hope-me XD- age 16- booom bitch lol
Kendra-my friend-age 15
Abbi- my friend-age 14 turning 15
Bobby-younger brother-age 13
(need to know infor-Bobby and Abbi like each other and want to date but aren't going out yet.)

this is how it went. -please know theres alot of mean things said and alot of hurtful words...but know EVERYTHING I said was the HONEST to god truth..and as some say truth hurts...-

me and my two friends are in my room talking. Katie walks in..

Katie- mom is sooo mad at you. Just wait till she comes in here. Shes going to give you an ear full.
Hope- why is she mad at me...? I've done nothing wrong. *confused look on my face*
Katie- Ohhh you'll find out, don't worry. She'll be in here soon. She was so mad, she was talking major shit on you in the car.
Hope- What the hell, Ive done nothing wrong, and why are you in here telling me what shes going to do. Get in your own business.
Katie- This is my business and I'm apart of this.
Hope- uhmm No your not. Leave me alone.
Katie- Hope, I walked in and freakin bobby was laying right next to Abbi. Your the older sister, you should of told him to go.
Hope- I fell asleep before him and its not like they where fucking. It was FINE. *Getting irritated*
Katie- It was NOT fine hope. And don't fucking lie. You where not asleep, you stay up later than bobby and Abbi put together.
Kendra- that's not true. Hope did go to bed before us. And Abbi was asleep before bobby even sat by her. Its not hope's fault if your brother fell asleep by her.
Katie- That's a lie from hell. I don't believe you. And hope SHOULD of told him to go.
Hope- Believe what the fuck you want to. I don't care. I know what happened you don't.
Katie- I will thank you very much.
Hope- What the fuck ever just leave I don't want to see your face.
Katie- no, ill stay if I want.
Hope- You know...you are 18 why the FUCK don't you leave now. Ive been waiting and I can stand to see your stupid face. Here, ill even be nice and help pack.
Katie- You'd like that wouldn't you...? *smug look on her face*
Hope- Hell ya. I'm done with you.
Katie- I'm done with you. Your always a bitch to everyone, and no body wants you in this house anyway. Your selfish and all you think about is yourself. Even dad thinks so.
Hope- ...what...*eyes widen* *heart stops*
Katie- Ohh what he didn't tell you..? He thinks your a FAKE and that your never honest with him. And that your that way with everyone...You didn't know that..?
Hope- *silence* *tears trying to come out*
Katie- Figures....
Hope- I....hate YOU. *tears stream down my face* I cant stand you and I wish you would just leave. You think your all that but your not. and you cry and bitch because you no longer have friends its cause of the way you TREATED them and you ditched them for your boy friend shelby.
Katie- No, I left my friends because they where all dumb. You don't know. And its so nice to hear that you really want me to go.
Hope- Whatever. You keep acting the way you do with everyone, especially shelby....He WILL leave you. And I would too.
Katie- I love him and he loves me. He would NEVER do that.
Hope- keep it up, I promise YOU he will leave. He wont put up with your bullshit much longer.
Katie- whatever you don't know. *Shes crying to now.*
Hope- Sure I don't, that's why he didn't just come to me the other day upset over your crap. And you know whats even sader...? My friends see it too. They use to loooove you.....Now they hate you too.
Katie- Your fucking friends need to shut the fuck up, there immature and stupid anyway.
Kendra- Ohhhh That's really nice and great. *pissed off look*
Abbi- *silence* (Lol, she doesn't talk at all through this all. I think she was terrified. I would of been too. It seem as though we where really going to kill one another.)
Hope- Shut up dumbass.
Our mother walks in. What is going on.....? *trying to act calm in front of my friends*
Katie- hope says she hates me and that she only loves dad.
Hope- She came in here saying that you where sooo pissed off at me and just let me know exactly how shitty of a daughter I was, and how my dad really thought of me.
Mom- Okay where not going to do this right now. Katie go in the other room now.
Katie- are you going to just let her get away with it...?
Mom- go now.
Katie- Gets the lab top and slams the door.
Mom- uhmm....girls when are your parents coming....?

***
I think I may have given my poor counselor a panic attack. Lol
Sooo...that's just the idea of what went down. It was much worse...much louder..and more hurtful words..that I didn't and couldn't remember to include. Not everything was dead on what was said but I hit all the main things. It was very long.....
Then after my friends left there was a family meeting that lasted two hours long.
There was alot of crying and shit...we worked things out but...I felt the same feeling I always feel when a fight like that has happened....dead and done.
I am done.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

hurting inside

I'm with my two best friends....and yet



I still feel depressed.



Its cruel..and unfair...I should be happy



and yet I feel so fucking down and sad. >.<



I..



I kinda want to cry..



My heart aches.. and I feel so dumb and pathetic...



Why..



why



must



I



Feel



This



Way..