ZACK =]

I LOVE YOU ZACKIE-CHAN. YOUR MY BOY. XDD

I hope this cheers you up.

Okkkaay.

Your the bestest guy friend EVER.

You have SEX hair..

Hmm

You like anime which is the SHIT. XD

ummm

Your growing more mature each day.

Your taller than me sooo thats pimp.

=D

You have a COOL house.

ANDDDD

are ahhh-mazzing.

XD

hehe

BE HAPPY. RAWR

Sanyu

I think I really do love Sanyu. His name says it all. Happiness. Thats exactly what he brings.

I adore him, and grow to respect him more and more. ^^

Watashi wa anata to kekkon shi tai....one day.

^^

ABBI GOOOO

GET OFF MY PAGE ABBI. YOU DILDO SUCKER. XD

Dad....

Ever since the fight....I've been ignoring my Dad.

My dad is the world to me...His thoughts are all I care to hear. And these last few months my dad has been telling me how much he loves me. And how I'm the best daughter. How I'm the only one who TRULY cares.
He even called me the day before the fight and confided in me about his problems and told me I was the one he could turn to.

I love him soo much. I tell him everything. Maybe not details of everything but I tell him the idea of it. Explain. Im...idk....doing stuff with boys. Id say dad I did some stuff with boys...and I wont do it again. Of which I haven't. He'd say okay hope. I love you.

See...when the fight really went bad..when things really got worse was when my sister told me exactly how my father felt about me and he told her this the day he called me and told me about his problems.
I lost it when she said he thought I was fake with him and to others. If anything I'm so real with others that that's why people dislike me cause I'll tell them like it is. If the sun is really fucking pink ill tell you its FUCKING PINK BITCH.

I just.....cant believe my dad...would think of me like that...after all the stuff hes said to me...and how he acts. it hurts so bad.

That's why I haven't called or gone over there yet...because I'm afraid its true...and if it is I don't know what I'll say or do....
I want it to be a lie. But I have a terrible feeling....its not.

and this makes me truly sad...and cry.

I thought i was better than that to him.. and he was better than that to me............

Counseling

Counseling was very interesting..

We talked about my mother and my sister and the huge fight that toke place. (Which was yesterday.)

People you may need to know is:
Katie-my sister- age 18-hoe lol
Hope-me XD- age 16- booom bitch lol
Kendra-my friend-age 15
Abbi- my friend-age 14 turning 15
Bobby-younger brother-age 13
(need to know infor-Bobby and Abbi like each other and want to date but aren't going out yet.)

this is how it went. -please know theres alot of mean things said and alot of hurtful words...but know EVERYTHING I said was the HONEST to god truth..and as some say truth hurts...-

me and my two friends are in my room talking. Katie walks in..

Katie- mom is sooo mad at you. Just wait till she comes in here. Shes going to give you an ear full.
Hope- why is she mad at me...? I've done nothing wrong. *confused look on my face*
Katie- Ohhh you'll find out, don't worry. She'll be in here soon. She was so mad, she was talking major shit on you in the car.
Hope- What the hell, Ive done nothing wrong, and why are you in here telling me what shes going to do. Get in your own business.
Katie- This is my business and I'm apart of this.
Hope- uhmm No your not. Leave me alone.
Katie- Hope, I walked in and freakin bobby was laying right next to Abbi. Your the older sister, you should of told him to go.
Hope- I fell asleep before him and its not like they where fucking. It was FINE. *Getting irritated*
Katie- It was NOT fine hope. And don't fucking lie. You where not asleep, you stay up later than bobby and Abbi put together.
Kendra- that's not true. Hope did go to bed before us. And Abbi was asleep before bobby even sat by her. Its not hope's fault if your brother fell asleep by her.
Katie- That's a lie from hell. I don't believe you. And hope SHOULD of told him to go.
Hope- Believe what the fuck you want to. I don't care. I know what happened you don't.
Katie- I will thank you very much.
Hope- What the fuck ever just leave I don't want to see your face.
Katie- no, ill stay if I want.
Hope- You know...you are 18 why the FUCK don't you leave now. Ive been waiting and I can stand to see your stupid face. Here, ill even be nice and help pack.
Katie- You'd like that wouldn't you...? *smug look on her face*
Hope- Hell ya. I'm done with you.
Katie- I'm done with you. Your always a bitch to everyone, and no body wants you in this house anyway. Your selfish and all you think about is yourself. Even dad thinks so.
Hope- ...what...*eyes widen* *heart stops*
Katie- Ohh what he didn't tell you..? He thinks your a FAKE and that your never honest with him. And that your that way with everyone...You didn't know that..?
Hope- *silence* *tears trying to come out*
Katie- Figures....
Hope- I....hate YOU. *tears stream down my face* I cant stand you and I wish you would just leave. You think your all that but your not. and you cry and bitch because you no longer have friends its cause of the way you TREATED them and you ditched them for your boy friend shelby.
Katie- No, I left my friends because they where all dumb. You don't know. And its so nice to hear that you really want me to go.
Hope- Whatever. You keep acting the way you do with everyone, especially shelby....He WILL leave you. And I would too.
Katie- I love him and he loves me. He would NEVER do that.
Hope- keep it up, I promise YOU he will leave. He wont put up with your bullshit much longer.
Katie- whatever you don't know. *Shes crying to now.*
Hope- Sure I don't, that's why he didn't just come to me the other day upset over your crap. And you know whats even sader...? My friends see it too. They use to loooove you.....Now they hate you too.
Katie- Your fucking friends need to shut the fuck up, there immature and stupid anyway.
Kendra- Ohhhh That's really nice and great. *pissed off look*
Abbi- *silence* (Lol, she doesn't talk at all through this all. I think she was terrified. I would of been too. It seem as though we where really going to kill one another.)
Hope- Shut up dumbass.
Our mother walks in. What is going on.....? *trying to act calm in front of my friends*
Katie- hope says she hates me and that she only loves dad.
Hope- She came in here saying that you where sooo pissed off at me and just let me know exactly how shitty of a daughter I was, and how my dad really thought of me.
Mom- Okay where not going to do this right now. Katie go in the other room now.
Katie- are you going to just let her get away with it...?
Mom- go now.
Katie- Gets the lab top and slams the door.
Mom- uhmm....girls when are your parents coming....?

***

I think I may have given my poor counselor a panic attack. Lol

Sooo...that's just the idea of what went down. It was much worse...much louder..and more hurtful words..that I didn't and couldn't remember to include. Not everything was dead on what was said but I hit all the main things. It was very long.....

Then after my friends left there was a family meeting that lasted two hours long.

There was alot of crying and shit...we worked things out but...I felt the same feeling I always feel when a fight like that has happened....dead and done.

I am done.

hurting inside

I'm with my two best friends....and yet



I still feel depressed.



Its cruel..and unfair...I should be happy



and yet I feel so fucking down and sad. >.<



I..



I kinda want to cry..



My heart aches.. and I feel so dumb and pathetic...



Why..



why



must



I



Feel



This



Way..

Sohoko

Some times I wonder if I grow more Sohoko each day... >.<

The yearning can get very unbearable and make me question things of which I'm not willing to answer, or at least not with friends knowing... =[

I love them on here but the people who actually know me..yaaa I prefer them not know everything. That's one bad thing about my blog. I added some of my friends and now I'm limited to what I may say...which I'm not going to lie is hard and irritating. Its like a love, hate relationship.

Anyway....

Sohoko...it kinda describes alot for me. Being in the middle...(I am the middle child, and lets face it..we middle people bare it ALL. Out of all the kids we care the MOST, out of all the kids we hurt the most, and out of all the kids we forgive easier. Where usually more emotional too. XD )
I'm always in the MIDDLE of the fight never the one having the fight (cause remember I don't like conflict ...and I'm just nice. =P ) I don't like being in the front of the class or really the back..but the middle is usually good. >.< When I draw i always start in the MIDDLE of the page...

don't you see...this middle has a real hold on me and is proving my life to live up to it's standards. >.<

I can't describe it much more than giving it away that it is the MIDDLE....if you get if...if you can see there's a secret message in here. Not in different colors like I normally do..but deep beneath the words...think what they mean...and you'll find the answer Ive been trying to forget....

HOLY SHIT

---

Tired

You are a tired soul. Perhaps you're just tired from being so busy all the time, working hard. Maybe it's school, or supporting a family. Maybe you take too much on your shoulders, the whole weight of the world... Whatever the reason, you just crave some relaxation. At the moment, you could care less about whats going on right now. Well, maybe you care, but you're just getting tired of caring. You are just plain tired of having a bunch of junk dumped on your life and you feel like you deserve a break. And if you've been working hard, then heck yes. Take a break before you really begin to go numb and forget to care.

OMG THIS IS SOOO ACCURATE. DID I NOT JUST POST SOMETHING SAYING IM DONE CARING. WOW. Thats soooo freakin kewl.

explains me.

---

Golden Candle

You are a rare creature. You are lovely in the inside, though you think you are weird. You keep to yourself privately, although everyone else thinks you shine. They look to you for comfort, and you never speak out of turn. You are the ultimate regality that everyone longs to be, but to you, it comes naturally. People think you are always bright, but there's a side to you tha tno one knows...you don't know how to express it, therefore, you take on art. You are exceptional at writig or painting or something creative. You might not be a professional at it, but you are not average. You are loved by almost everyone, you have good relationships, but if that relationship ends, you are not the type to get along like good friends again. Sometimes, you are also like the moon...always there in the night sky, carefully watching, cautiously guiding, loved, expected, and special.

skip or

wow...so amazing.

Irritation

I want to be able to be angry. To stay pissed...

But I never can do that. I always forgive and get tricked into feeling bad or being nice.

I wish I didn't care. If I didn't it wouldn't matter about there anger because I would have mine. But It's not in my nature being mean or cruel.

But people..Gah they just irritate the hell out of me. And I get mad for a bit and try with all my might to keep the anger but it always goes away and my heart softens. I kinda wish it would just harden..

I get too emotionally attached to people. Even with family. And I don't like it..cause they always hurt you or let you down...
I get hurt enough..why would I want someone I love doing it....really...?

Speaking of family...What the hell does it mean anyway. Everyone lives in different states, and the ones you do live by, you aren't close enough to be there...What's the point..? They say there there, and will always love you but if that where true....then why don't they call..why don't they come to see you..why don't they send a card. WHY DON'T THEY DO ANYTHING....??

idk..

Don't really care anymore, sick of caring is all I know.

stupidness....

It hurts talking.

But I cant stop.

Afraid to miss you.

Even more affraid to lose you...

Im holding a thin stread of hope..but its hope for nothing..and I dont care.....on to..

I just....

Miss

you

so

m

u

c

h

.........

Long lost feelings ohh joy... XD

It's been along...long time since she's been in my head..and I actually miss her. I have no idea why but she's been on my mind alot.. Is that good or bad. Well I dont know. >.<

I had a werid and sad dream...

She was in it and she died and I missed her so much and I remember I was crying alot over her as though I was still in love or something. Then she came alieve again but as a different girl..it was so werid like it looked exactly like her and had her voice but it wasnt her.. Sooooo werid. XD

Omg, now Im on fucking facebook and some dumbass just asked me if I wanted to fuck him, and That he's soo horny and if I was naked he would come and fuck me, WHAAATTT A CREEPER. XD
Sorry guys but some of you are soooo fucking crazy. >.< Ah. Lol.

Good lord, ahhh that just makes me laugh. XD

Anyway back to what I was saying,

=}

haha...I dont know what I was saying I just know I miss her, and I feel bad for her. I kinda just wanna give her a hug like old times..but I think that'd be to werid for her...so I'll leave my thoughts to myself. >.<

>.> <.< LOL....AHHHHH IM GOING TO GO CRAZY THINKING ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS.

alright...Im going to go find a large whole and fall into it until Im under control of gay feelings. >.< lol. SEEEE YAAAA.

A girls dream and a hearts goal

There's one thing in a girls life she truly wants the most.

The feeling of wanting and love.

Now, of course you can get this from alot of people.

Like...

friends
family
teachers
co-workers
anyone!!!!

But....There's always going to be that one special person we want most...

And that is the man Or women we'll be with.

You know, the one we sit and day dream about day after day. The one that will sweep us off our feet and fall madly in love with. The one you grow old with for the rest of your life....

yet...

How many find it..?

How long does it take..?

What suffering and pain will it take to get there..?

And how many times will you have to try and fail..?

Now of course you must be thinking..."she's so young...why the fuck is she complaining...?" Or, " Love is a long way for you, dont worry about it"........but

I do...and I'm scared.

Everyone gets divorced today. is that my fate..?
Everyone cheats or gets cheated on. Will this happen to me and will I except it and move on or move out..?
Everyone falls for someone else. Can I love anyone other than who I marry..and if so what type of person would that make me..?

I have a goal and a dream..thats to be a psychologist so I can help teens that have been raped or malested or some way abused get through it because I have. I was even physically abused and I got through it. Nothing will stop me from giving back to the world...by helping girls even boys who may be in the place I use to be.

Anway..the point is I dont want to date or get in a relationship in highschool cause I want to make sure nothing can get in the way of my life...my goal..but

I do want to have and find love....and love is just so hard to find. Im just scared if I wait too long it'll be too late.

I wont be out of college till im at leat 26..

I just want to find someone who can love me for me and love my goal..so that I can feel accomplished with my goal and loved with my future someone. >.<>.<

Dull

I wanna write something good...deep and amazing. But I cant seem to think of anything..

I hate having nothing to say or write cause I always do. And when I finally dont it's irritating. >.<

***

Right now, everything is standing all but too still.
When they upped my medicine it was suppose to make a HUGE change and yet I feel no different. It's hard to explain...but I dont feel better at all...but I certainly dont feel worse either.

I have no idea.

I just feel blank..like there's something missing. And It leaves me feeling so empty and dead. I stay up till 4 at night..then sleep in till 2 in the afternoon. Thats my life. Ive had friends over and Ive gone to friends house too..but idk...something is just wrong. or missing.

I wish I knew what was...but life is just kinda dull....

>.<

quote

I never told you

Watashi wa...anata ga i nakute sabishii desu.

I've missed you...

*smiles*

I Never Told You Lyrics- Colbie Caillat

Back baby XD

*Eyes lit up, and smiling*

My heart is pounding faster than normal.

My eyes have a certain hope that usually isnt there.

My body keeps wiggling around.

And a smile across my face.

God, this feeling and happiness should be illegal. I feel like I can fly or just do anything. I cant stop laughing and giggling.

I love this. I love it alot. I see now why it also hurt so bad when it was gone. It's a wonderful feeling. ^^

Almost like a rush. And man...Im so up for it.

Is that alright with you..?

Isnt it amazing how you can be soo happy and fine. Then within a few minutes you can be so fucking depressed and sad. Thats crazy...and dumb.

>.<

I. MISS. HIM. SOOO. FUCKING. MUCH......... T.T

It hurts soo bad.

I just want to cry, he doesnt even know. Nor does he care.

It's all so wrong. We've been through everything just for it to end here.

No..

It doesnt seem right.. It cant be

Thats all thats going on in my head....

I feel like I'm in a daze just watching everything happening but not really understanding it...or being able to change it..

I need to feel him..feel his energy..see his face...see his eyes look into mine. I need him.............

I wish it would just go away..And I wish I could move on as easily as he seems too.

What I really wish is that we had a chance to be we..to be something we'll never get to be or will ever be.......

T.T *tears. fall. down.*

Summer

Sooo, Im at my dads right now. I skipped out on summer skool and went here instead. Ive been here since last sunday. It's been amazing.

Anway, so last time i was really upset. What happened was...i was band from joe and his friend. It was terrible. The cops came and stuff....>.< long story short, i cant see him and its sad..but I havent been depressed since..and there's been no gay drama. so is it for the best, was it a good choice...?? I have no idea. I guess I'll always wonder about it...

I miss him alot. And I think about him alot too....it makes me sad. So i try to act like nothing ever happened. but it did..and I wish it still was..

***

Summer is going good soo far. Its been really busy. All my friends want to do shit with me. It's like there's not enough of me to go around. Lol. XD

You know what I really want to do this summer...? I want to get away. Get away from all my friends, and most of my family. Like the ones I see most of the time. I want to get away and find myself...Ive changed alot. And i kinda wonder who I am now...idk..

I seem to have alot on my mind lately..Like all I'm doing is thinking. And writing poems. I love them, its mainly cause of a certain blogger that got me wanting to write poems. Which is my girl Lea. XD

Love you all..I'ma go.